Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Wading Into the Chic-Fil-A Battle

I've been watching our friends to the South go into convulsions over Chic-Fil-A and their stance on marriage. I figured I'd give it a little while to cool down before I weighed in. The media have had a field day declaring their indignation that Dan Cathy would dare oppose same sex marriage, and various organizations - even politicians - have been taking turns blasting the company. A couple of weeks ago, friends of Chic-Fil-A helped them set a one day sales record as a show of support. So, what's the story?

First of all, Chic-Fil-A has always been known as a Christian company - their long-standing refusal to open on Sundays is evidence of strongly held convictions. Here's what actually happened just before President Dan Cathy set off a firestorm of media attention. Some have opposed the company’s support of the traditional family. “Well, guilty as charged,” said Cathy when asked about the company’s position. “We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit..."

“We are very much committed to that,” Cathy emphasized. “We intend to stay the course,” he said. “We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.” The subject of same sex marriage was never addressed in the original interview. He did not "condemn same-sex marriage" as has been claimed. He simply reaffirmed their support of "the biblical definition of the family unit."

I've been observing the debate and collecting articles from various writers coming from different angles of the debate. It makes for some interesting reading and leads to some good questions. For example, should company presidents be allowed to state their opinions and should their private companies be allowed to support what they choose? should the mayors of Boston, Chicago, San Francisco, etc... be able to block new Chic-Fil-A restaurants from being built simply because they disagree with their position on marriage? What are the other issues that company presidents are not allowed to comment on? Is there a list? Should we divide our cities along political lines? What about the church's response? What is your definition of tolerance? How do you engage someone in conversation when you disagree on a sensitive topic?

I'm going to give the links to a few different articles for your reading pleasure. Think about it, recognizing that very few issues are as simple as the media make them out to be.

This first article is a blog post by Perry Noble calling out the activists on both sides of the political spectrum. It's called "Ben & Jerry’s, Chick-fil-A & Political Correctness"

The second one is by Mark Hemingway looking at the origins of the story. His title makes it clear about his views: "Media Invents Story That Chick-fil-A President Condemned Gay Marriage"

This next one includes a video. It shows how passionate this debate is becoming. The title says it all:  "Exec Bullies Chick-fil-A Worker, Then Promptly Gets Fired For It"

I have good friends on both sides of this debate. I think we can - and should - differ and still like each other. I think that there's still a place for reasoned debate in our culture, though we have lost the stomach for it and, seemingly, would rather yell at and boycott each other. Take a step back, breath, and talk.

I do like what Rick Warren (who's had his own share of criticism) said: "Our culture has accepted two huge lies: The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear them or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

Related Articles:
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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Mark of a True Man - Heroes of Aurora

As stories emerge from the deadly shooting at Aurora, Colorado, one theme is being repeated - heroic sacrifice. At least four young men gave their lives protecting their girlfriends.

Alex Tevez and Amanda Lindgren
The first story was of a young man by the name of Alex Tevez. He had just turned 24 and had recently finished graduate school in Denver. When the shooting started he pulled his girlfriend, Amanda Lindgren, to the ground and covered her with his body. Family members expressed that this was what they would have expected him to do - it reflected who he was as a person. 

Jonathon Blunk and Jansen Young
Then there was Jonathon Blunk. Jon pushed his girlfriend under a seat to shield her from the bullets, telling her to "Stay down!" He was a soldier who was planning on re-enlisting. He had told his girlfriend, Jansen Young, "I was born to serve my country." When she exited the theater unharmed she said, "Jon just took a bullet for me."

John Larimer and Julia Vojtsek
 Next was John Larimer. John was a 27 year old third petty officer in the Navy. When gunfire erupted he immediately jumped over his seat and put his body between the gunman and his girlfriend, Julia Vojtsek. She said he "immediately and instinctively covered me and brought me to the ground in order to protect me from any danger." John, the youngest of five children, had told his brother, Noel, that that would be the best way to die, saving someone's life. Little did he know that it would happen in a movie theater.

Matt McQuinn and Samantha Fowler
Finally we hear of Matt McQuinn, 27. Matt dove in front of his girlfriend, Samantha Yowler. The couple had met at a Target store in Springfield, Ohio, where they both worked. Samantha was injured during the attack, suffering a gunshot wound in the knee. His stepfather, when asked what he thought of Matt's actions replied, "I'm not surprised. That's what a man does." 

As I've been reading stories about these men, and watching news stories, I couldn't help but think about the whole question of what makes a man a man. What immediately sprang to my mind was Ephesians 5:25 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

As a pastor, I do a lot of premarital counseling. I always include this verse when I talk to the potential grooms. This was the way that God intended men to love their wives; with a sacrificial love, a love that is willing to do whatever it takes, including the ultimate sacrifice, to protect his family. 

It's a picture of the love that Jesus Christ had for His church. He willingly went to the cross, the most horrible death that evil men of the time had imagined. It wasn't for any crime that He had committed that He died; He was a willing sacrifice in our place. He said, in Mark 10:45 that He came "to give his life as a ransom for many." In Ephesians, Paul holds this model up as the standard for all men in their relationships with their wives.  

It's appropriate to honor these men, who put their lives on the line when the bullets started flying. As J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, “Courage is found in unlikely places.” It's even found in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado.

We have lost a lot in this tragedy, as 12 people lost their lives and scores of others were injured. But we've also gained something by the example of these brave young men. While one man stood, with protective gear and an arsenal of weapons, to rain destruction on innocent people, 4 young men demonstrated what real love looks like. "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:13) I've included a video with interviews of the young women whose lives were saved. One question for you: what would you have done?


Beautiful Sacrifice - 4 Boyfriends Lay Down Their Lives For Their Girlfriends in the Movie Shooting from sharethemessage on GodTube.


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Friday, June 29, 2012

Milestones

There are markers in our lives that represent significant events or sometimes just the passage of time. There seem to be a lot of those for me, in particular, this year. My youngest son just turned 18 and graduated from High School. My middle son, this spring, became the first of my children to get married. This fall my wife and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage and 30 years in ministry. I will also turn 50 this year! It seems like a good time for reflection.

These years have been called middle-age by some, but not many of us live to be 100 so that's a little bit of a misnomer. My father passed away at 62, so who knows? Regardless, the time seems right to look back at what I might have done differently, so that some following behind might learn from my mistakes, which are many. What would I do differently if I had it to do over again?

I would have had pre-marital counseling. This would have saved my wife and I a tremendous amount of grief. It's amazing to me that the 19 year old version of myself thought that he knew so much, and how little he actually knew. I made a lot of mistakes as a young married man. Thankfully, I married an understanding woman who believed in me and in the institution of marriage, and stuck with me through those growing pains.

As someone who officiates at a lot of weddings, I have made it a policy not to perform a wedding without first providing premarital counseling. I make sure to cover the purpose of marriage, communication, finances, worldview and whatever other issues arise. It's a lot of work, but I feel a lot better about performing the ceremony.

I would have found a mentor (or mentors) as a young man. There were different people who spoke into my life at different times, but I would have been much more intentional had I known the difference it would make. I have learned through discussions that many men feel the same as I felt those many years ago - lost. They are thrust into a world of responsibility for which they are not prepared and forced to sink or swim. It's by the grace of God that most of the mistakes I made didn't have serious repercussions. Having a mature mentor for advice would have saved me a lot of problems.

I would have stayed out of debt. Financial problems are a major source of strife in marriage and life in general. Much of the problem is the easy availability of credit and a lack of understanding of the consequences of getting in over one's head. I readily admit that I had no idea what I was doing when we first got married. It takes only a short time to rack up debt and many years to climb out. I'm glad it wasn't worse, but we certainly could have done better. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University to everyone. If I had known the principles he shares in this course when I was younger, I would have been spared a world of grief.

I would have gone further in school. I have made a commitment to be a life-long learner. I read, attend conferences, take courses, etc..., but I regret not spending more time on a formal education. Although they say it's never too late to learn, the best time to do that is when you are young and your mind is a little more elastic. Investing in the right education will pay off down the road. I suggest starting with the liberal arts until you find your passion; then focus on it.

I would have asked more questions. When you don't know, assumptions are the enemy. It would have been great to have had Google way back when! My repair jobs would have been a lot more successful. Information is power and the best way to get information is to ask the right people the right questions.

I would have spent more time with my father. There are some opportunities that we can't get back. Don't miss out on the chance to spend time with people you love and tell them how you feel. The day will come when you won't be able to do that.

All in all, so far it's been a great ride. My biggest lessons learned are these: life can be hard, but God is faithful. The best decision I ever made, as a seventeen year-old kid, was to commit my life to follow Christ . I'm so very thankful that I did.

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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Top New Blog Posts - May 2012


Here are the top 5 new blog posts for May 2012, beginning with the number 5. Thanks for reading!

#5 Conservatives Turn on Their Own

MP Stephen Woodworth

 

This article was written about the hypocrisy of the Conservative Party of Canada as they turned on their own back-bencher, Stephen Woodworth. Woodworth presented a motion to review Canada's 400 year old-law defining when a baby becomes a human being under Canadian law. For this he received the criticism of some even within his own party. So much for democracy. 

#4 Scott Jackson - My Battle With Depression



This is a guest post by Scott Jackson, president of  Trust Communications and founder of LIFE 100.3 Radio. 








 #3 Reflections on a Wedding

 
The third most popular post was written the week following the wedding of my son Levi and his new bride Amanda. With all of the stresses on the institution of marriage, I felt it would be a timely subject. 




#2 No Justice in Canada for the Unborn

This article was written on the heels of the March For Life on Parliament Hill which went largely unreported in the mainstream media, though it was attended by some 15,000+ Canadians. It deals with a number of misconceptions about the abortion issue in Canada.

#1 Akiane Kramarik - 2012

Akiane Kramarik (Age 17)
Once again Akiane Kramarik takes the top spot. I decided to write an update on Akiane since the old posts I've written about her received so much attention. This young lady continues to attract worldwide attention for her art and her poetry, based on spiritual themes. If you've never seen her work before, take the time to look through the artwork displayed on her website. It's worth the time. 

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Reflections on a Wedding

My son, Levi, got married this past Saturday. I remember Amanda, the girl he married, as a little six year old dynamo with attitude. She's now a beautiful young lady, and she's stolen his heart.

I remember wondering, all those years ago at the soccer pitch, which of those little girls might someday become my daughter-in-law. My son made a wise choice. As Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

Many times over the past 23 years or so I prayed for the girl my son would choose, long before he or I had any idea who that might be. I did that because I believe that prayer is effective, and there are very few decisions in life that have the potential impact on your life as the person you choose as a life partner.

It's amazing how time flies. This week we've been taking my wife's mother on a tour of the area and our old haunts. We talked about our first few months of marriage - this September will mark 30 years - and, in retrospect, it's amazing we survived.

We did almost everything wrong. We got married young: I was 19; she had just turned 20. We moved into my parent's basement. We didn't have good jobs. I was Canadian; she was American. I moved her all the way from Tennessee to the cold of Canada. The list could go on and on. Yet, here we are, all these years later, still in love and still together. How does that happen?

Looking back, here are the truths that rise to the surface.

God is Faithful
One thing we both shared was an absolute confidence that God would take care of us. We trusted Him and He didn't let us down. I remember, in our first year of marriage, when we had both been laid off and our unemployment insurance hadn't started. We were down to our last potato - literally - and we prayed that God would provide. We went to church (it was Sunday) and, by the time we came out, someone had filled our back seat with groceries.

Over and over again, just when it looked like there was no way out, God opened another door and provided a way. When Levi was just a toddler, he came down with a disease we'd never heard of before:  Kawasaki's. Our doctor had not seen it either and thought that it was Scarlet Fever. By the time he was diagnosed, Levi was almost comatose and not certain to survive. People everywhere were praying, special treatment was given, and after a week in Sick Kids Hospital he was able to come home. It was years before the doctors gave him a clean bill of health. You think of things like this on your child's wedding day. God is faithful.

Loving is a choice
Part of the problem with Hollywood's version of love is that it's based on emotion, and emotions change. The Bible teaches that love is a choice. God commands us to love each other. He doesn't say to love only when you feel like it. I remember listening to a wonderful speaker by the name of Elva Howard many years ago. She said, "While you may not always have red-hot passion in your marriage, you should always have red-hot commitment." This was great advice for the ebb and flow of marriage.

I tell people that we've been married for almost 30 years; 23 of them happy. There have been some rough spots. There have been times when I wasn't sure that we would make it, to be quite honest. We all carry baggage with us into marriage, and we had (have) our share. But we hung in there, learning how to communicate better, how to understand each other, and carrying one another when necessary. When all else fails we choose to love.        


Forgiveness is a necessity
As perfect as you may think your bride or husband may be as you stand at the marriage altar, there is one thing you can be sure of: they will let you down. Whether deliberately or by accident they will hurt you. They will not meet your expectations, they will disappoint you, and sometimes they will even fail miserably. It is at these moments when a relationship is tested.

We can forgive when we are honest enough to admit to ourselves that we aren't perfect either. For me, I know that I am a great sinner and Jesus is a great Savior. When I think of the forgiveness I've received, how can I not forgive the one I pledged to love forever if she asks? - and even if she doesn't. As someone said: "Those who can't forgive, burn the bridge over which they themselves must pass."

I'm so glad that I didn't surrender to my desire, at times, to run away as fast as I could. I'm just as glad that, for whatever reason, my wife chose to stay with me when I know it was tempting to walk away. As I watched my son, this weekend, pledge himself to Amanda for the rest of his life, I couldn't help but think that yes, it's worth it.

I hope and pray that my children don't repeat my mistakes, they certainly don't need to. I'll gladly share what I've learned the hard way if they ask. But I also pray that they always look to God who's faithful; that they choose to love, especially when it's difficult, and that they forgive from the heart. God will bless a marriage like that.

Related Articles:
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Thursday, May 03, 2012

Why I Still Believe in Marriage

I originally posted this in May of 2011. I'm reposting it, as my son, Levi, will marry his beautiful fiance, Amanda, in two days. The points are still relevant.


Tomorrow afternoon I get to perform the marriage ceremony for my niece and her fiance. I do a few weddings a year, and every time I do I am acutely aware that there is a lot of disagreement about the very institution of marriage. I've met - and heard - a lot of people who have a very dim view indeed of matrimony.

There are varying reasons for this, some valid, some not so much. The rise in feminism and the resulting cries for sexual "liberation" from marriage resulted, at least for a time, in a great many young women rejecting marriage altogether. This cry for freedom came as the result of the historic patriarchal nature of marriage.

Another obvious reason is the dysfunction of many marriages. When children grow up seeing their parents constantly fighting and maybe even divorcing, their logical conclusion is that all marriage is like this, so why bother? One reason that's not spoken of often is the increase in sexual promiscuity. In other eras, men married in order to have sex; that is no longer necessary, and men are quite happy to take advantage of the situation. This change in behaviour has resulted in the rapid growth of co-habitation, a couple living together with no formal commitment. In today's social climate it is very rare to see a couple come to the marriage altar with their virginity.

The main question coming out of the changes we've seen is this: are we better off now that marriage has fallen out of favour? I, for one, would respond forcefully in the negative. Here are some of the reasons why:

We are not happier! According to a recent study, "researchers have concluded that although (Westerners) are rich compared with most other countries, many suffer from an emotional poverty caused by consumerism and the breakdown of family life. 'We are being seduced by an economic juggernaut and our personal needs are not being met,' said Nic Marks, a social sciences researcher at Surrey University who also worked on the report."

Non-traditional arrangements are less stable than marriages. (See article.) "A recent General Social Survey performed by Statistics Canada reported that in Canada, couples who choose a common-law relationship as their first conjugal union have a greater probability of this first union ending in separation, regardless of whether the common-law partners eventually married... Common-law unions are generally less stable than marriages: more than 60% of people who choose common-law unions as their first conjugal relationship are expected to separate."

Children are generally safer and happier when raised in a married home with both mother and father. (See study.) This is a particularly important issue because it points to what I believe is one of the underlying reasons that many have rejected marriage - selfishness.

We live in a culture that is incredibly narcissistic, and we've been convinced somehow that life revolves around us. This has resulted in the breakdown of community and a growing isolation. People who live like this see others as simply a means to their own happiness, but, as studies show, it's not working. We're not happier as a culture, that's why anti-depressant meds are a multi-billion dollar industry.

Here's what I've learned about happiness: it is not an end in itself, but is the product of consistently doing the right thing. It is not met by external things, but is realized by an inner fulfilment, a realization of a greater purpose.

All that being said, finding happiness in marriage is not an easy thing, it is difficult, as with almost anything worthwhile. I believe that part of the reason for the high failure rate in marriage is completely unrealistic expectations. As Sidney Harris writes: "Almost no-one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage."

Marriage is first a covenant, then it is a commitment. This was how God, who created us for each other, designed marriage. Counselor Gary Chapman tells us that "Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche." We need each other, and we need to know that we can rely on each other. So God made marriage to last for a lifetime. One man, one woman, until death.

The challenge in marriage is working out the commitment. It's putting the same energy into preserving the relationship as we did in its establishment. I heard a wonderful lady say something in a talk years ago that has always stuck with me. She said that there may not always be red-hot passion in a marriage, but there should always be red-hot commitment. So how does this work? What are the keys? As someone who's done his share of pre-marital counseling over the years, here are some of the keys that I've learned.

Get pre-marital counseling before marriage. It's amazing how many people don't feel like this is necessary. They would agree that deciding to marry is likely one of the most life-changing points in their lives yet not feel it is necessary to prepare. When faced with this mentality I usually ask if they have a driver's license. If so, did they study for the test? Is marriage more or less important than a driver's license. That's usually the end of the conversation.

Deal with your personal baggage. Everyone carries emotional baggage. There are incidents and issues in our lives that we carry with us that can affect our relationships. They're easily overlooked when a couple is dating and each is trying to put their best foot forward. But unresolved issues, like low self-esteem, an abusive background, anger issues, etc., will almost certainly jump up and bite you in the relationship later. Deal with them beforehand, and be honest. If your relationship can't handle the pressure of premarital counseling, you are not ready to marry!

Learn how to communicate effectively. In many surveys, the number one complaint of wives is that their husband will not communicate. In my experience, it's often because they don't really know how. Communication is complicated, and men and women obviously think very differently. We need to understand that communication is "a meeting of meanings" and not a battle we must win. We need to learn how to lay down our weapons of self-defense and get to know what makes our spouse tick. For a message on this, go here.

Be sure you're on the same page. This speaks to the question of worldview. I've had couples come to me, one an atheist and one a Christian, who wanted to be married. They didn't see that this was a problem. So I began to ask questions like, are you planning children? Will you raise the children in church or not? The more we talked, the more the potential problems became apparent, and the wedding was soon cancelled, and that was a good thing. For an article on worldview, go here.

Get a handle on your finances. Disagreement here is one of the top reasons for marriage breakup. Even if you think you've got it all together, I highly recommend that every couple take a course such as Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University." You'll be thankful later. Every married couple, like it or not, become financial partners in a new enterprise.

Talk about roles. Many marriages fail because of unmet expectations. Just because your mother was a stay-at-home Mom and loved it, doesn't mean your bride-to-be will be the same. Talk about division of labour. Who will clean the house, mow the lawn, do small repairs, wash the dishes, cook the meals, do the laundry, pick up the kids, etc... Trust me, it matters.

Share your dreams. In my Christian worldview, I firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us, and therefore a plan for each couple. God implants visions and dreams in our hearts as we follow Him. Why did God bring you together as a couple? How can you help one another to be the people that God called you to be? Where do you envision yourselves in 5, 10, 20 years? Are your dreams compatible?

Build on a solid foundation. Many couples will invite God to the wedding but not the marriage. They want the church wedding with all the props but are more than happy to leave God behind to clean up the confetti. The problem is, marriage was God's idea and was only designed to work with Him in the middle. As we love God He enables us to love each other.

The picture painted for us in the New Testament is one that is often missed and misinterpreted. Jesus used the analogy of marriage when He talked about His supreme sacrifice. He loved the church, His Bride, so much that He willingly laid down His life for her redemption. Paul tells us in Ephesians that men ought to love their wives in this way. A deep emotional need in every woman is to be treasured in such a way. Wives are taught to respect their husbands. This is probably the greatest emotional need for men, to be believed in and to be respected .

As we love each other, we give each other what we need, and we create a healthy environment in which to raise children. The Bible teaches us that love is not a feeling, but a choice and an action. As a husband, I can choose to love even when I might not be feeling like it's getting me anywhere. When I consistently serve my wife and sincerely try to meet her needs it makes her want to do the same.

Most of the above lessons I've learned the hard way, after almost 29 years of marriage. Are there lousy marriages? Absolutely. And marriage isn't for everyone, but it is a very good thing. I believe in marriage and family because it is the glue that holds society together. It's all wrapped up in the very large concept of "home." Home may be a place, but it is primarily about the people, people you love and with whom you can build a life. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to experience the joys and the pain of family life; they have made me what I am.

What is your advice for a happy marriage?

I hope you love this video below as much as I do. Enjoy!



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Thursday, April 26, 2012

AshleyMadison vs. Tim Tebow

I guess that I shouldn't be surprised when I encounter cynics, but I still am. I came across a link yesterday to a Huffington Post article on Tim Tebow. For those of you living on the moon, Tebow is a quarterback with the New York Jets, newly acquired from Denver. But he is probably even more well known for his evangelical Christian faith.

Tebow has unashamedly stated that he is a virgin and intends to wait until marriage to have sex. This just doesn't play well in today's sex-saturated culture. He's been the butt of jokes from stand up comics and even the object of ridicule from other athletes. He seems to have taken all of this in stride.

However, the recent antics of the dating service AshleyMadison have revealed a depth of cynicism that reveals how low some in our society will sink. They have actually offered a $1 million reward to anyone who can offer evidence that Tim Tebow is not, in fact, a virgin. What that evidence might be is not made clear, but the motivation seems crystal clear.

This dating service, which calls itself "the most recognized name in infidelity" simply can't imagine that someone as popular as Tebow would not give in to temptation - and they also can't imagine why he wouldn't. I find this very revealing. While many would react with shock at what AshleyMadison is doing, I believe that they are largely a reflection of a culture that has given up on the concept of sexual purity.

Even though repeated studies have shown that cohabiting before marriage leads to higher rates of divorce and less satisfaction in marriage, the overwhelming majority seem to think that it's not only a good idea, but is expected. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached "epidemic proportions" in some parts of North America, yet we continue to promote sex without restraint among our youth, extending to younger and younger ages.

At some point I think the question must be asked - why? Do we really think that it's a good thing that stores are selling provocative clothing for 8 year old girls? Or that people are held up to ridicule among their peers for choosing to keep their sexuality for marriage? Or that mainstream music and Hollywood seems fixated on more and more graphic content?

As someone who does pre-marital work with couples, I've found that those who choose to wait are much happier and have much healthier marriages. They don't have to worry about STD's or the emotional baggage of broken intimate relationships. As one who has had to help pick up the broken pieces, I will continue to recommend the lifestyle that Tebow has chosen.

I, for one, hope that he will continue to have the courage of his convictions. Our youth need some healthy role models. I'd rather have them look up to him than to look to AshleyMadison for direction - an organization that specializes in assisting in affairs for over 7 million anonymous adulterers. I've seen too many broken hearts, homes and children. Give your head a shake.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Here is Love

As we celebrate this most romantic of holidays I think it's appropriate to take a good look at what love is and is not. I know that we've all grown enamored with the Hollywood version of love - that there's this one "perfect" person out there for all of us, and if we could just find them our life would work out great, and we would live "happily ever after."

The problem with that is that if we look for, and hold out for, that perfect person, they will never be found. No-one is perfect - and we certainly aren't. Each of us are flawed in our own way, but that is part of the charm and the challenge of love. Let's look at what love is, really, anyway.

The Biblical word for "love" as used in the marriage context is from the Greek "agapao" and speaks of, not merely affection or lustful attraction, but self-sacrifice. In the time when the New Testament was written, women in most cultures were viewed as property, and faithfulness was not a quality that was valued. So, when the Apostle Paul came out with the statement in Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." it was a radical challenge.  

It was a commitment to remain faithful to God's standard of marriage - one man, one woman for one lifetime. God tells us, through Paul, to love our wives as Christ loved the church - and willingly laid down His life for her. This pattern stands in stark contrast to the one we see around us, where love is often seen as conditional as long as our list of expectations is met. No, here we see that love is a choice and an action word. I might not feel like it every day, but I am called - every day - to love my wife, the one I covenanted with for life.

This does not rely on feelings, feelings pass. This actually is beyond my ability, something I freely admit. It is for this reason that the Bible doesn't teach that the marriage relationship is to be first in our lives. When Jesus was asked about priorities in Matthew's Gospel, He said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” 

So, God is to be first. None of us are whole without having the relationship with our Creator restored. It provides the basis for success in all of our other relationships - including marriage. That was the purpose of Jesus'ministry, life, death and resurrection - it was all about restoration. In His famous Parable of the Prodigal Son we see God portrayed as the loving father waiting to welcome His child home. That's a picture of God's love for each of us. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8). 

It is the security of this relationship we can have with our Creator that provides the foundation for us to love our wives unconditionally. It's not about some abstract philosophical truth, but a genuine relationship that we can have with God. We can bring to Him our questions, our burdens, failures and our concerns and find the strength, peace, grace and endurance to continue. So, I gladly say that my wife is Number 2 in my life! And I am her Number 2. Neither of us would have it any other way. Happy Valentine's Day!     

Related Articles:
What Love Language Do You Speak?
Wanted: Best Friend
Why I Believe In Marriage
Defending Marriage

Saturday, February 11, 2012

What Love Language Do You Speak?

We've all heard about the book "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus." We're very different, and that's a good thing. However, the differences aren't simply male and female. Our personalities are also different, and the way that we "receive" love is different. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book a number of years ago called "The Five Love Languages" to explain this very reality. Understanding the differences between ourselves and others has saved many a home and helped many a family. It's a great book to have in your library.

So, what are the Five Love Languages? Here is the quick list.
  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch
Here's a quick synopsis of each. I've included, at the end of this article, a link to a free on-line assessment where you can figure out your love language. This would be a great exercise and discussion starter for you and your husband or wife on Valentine's Day.

Words of Affirmation. The person who has this as their primary love language has the need to hear their loved one say "I love you," "I'm proud of you," and other encouraging words, without being asked. They also are devastated by hurtful words.

Quality Time. This type of person needs the undivided attention of their loved one. Tardiness, forgetfulness or distraction will make this person feel that they are unloved.

Receiving Gifts. This person is not so much into materialism as they are into thoughtfulness. They love the feeling that the person they cared about took the time and the energy to think of them, even if it was a small gift. Not remembering big occasions for this person can result in big relationship challenges.

Acts of Service. For this person, small things like helping with the dishes or cleaning up make a big difference. They value the idea that the other person cares enough to help in tangible ways. Laziness and not following through will lead to problems.

Physical Touch. This person needs physical contact, lots of hugs, touches and holding of hands. Neglecting this need results in pain and isolation.

The point of this lesson is this, we need to understand the love language of those we love in order to more effectively communicate to them. We can be speaking our love language and thinking that all is well, while our partner is wondering why we don't care. It happens all the time. Relationships are complicated. Understanding the five love languages will give you another tool in your relationship toolbox.

Since publishing the first book, Chapman has also written "The Five Love Languages of Children," and "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers" among others. All are helpful in understanding the ones you love. 

Please check out the free on-line assessment and ask your loved ones to do the same.


Related Articles:
Wanted: Best Friend
Why I Believe In Marriage
‘Idol’ Castoff Chris Medina Releases Debut Single “What Are Words”
I'm offended!
Defending Marriage

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Manhattan Declaration


I reread this the other day and wanted to give all of you an opportunity to read it as well. This document was drafted by a committee of Christian leaders including: Robert George - Professor, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence, Princeton University; Timothy George - Professor, Beeson Divinity School, Samford University and Chuck Colson - Founder, the Chuck Colson Center for Christian Worldview (Lansdowne, VA).

I recognize that it is an American document, but the issues and sentiments being dealt with are common among all Western democracies. I welcome your feedback on this as there are several talking points. Should you like to go to the actual site for more in-depth research, click here.


MANHATTAN DECLARATION

Drafted October 20, 2009 & Released November 20, 2009

PREAMBLE
Christians are heirs of a 2,000-year tradition of proclaiming God's word, seeking justice in our societies, resisting tyranny, and reaching out with compassion to the poor, oppressed and suffering.

While fully acknowledging the imperfections and shortcomings of Christian institutions and communities in all ages, we claim the heritage of those Christians who defended innocent life by rescuing discarded babies from trash heaps in Roman cities and publicly denouncing the Empire's sanctioning of infanticide. We remember with reverence those believers who sacrificed their lives by remaining in Roman cities to tend the sick and dying during the plagues, and who died bravely in the coliseums rather than deny their Lord.

After the barbarian tribes overran Europe, Christian monasteries preserved not only the Bible but also the literature and art of Western culture. It was Christians who combated the evil of slavery: Papal edicts in the 16th and 17th centuries decried the practice of slavery and first excommunicated anyone involved in the slave trade; evangelical Christians in England, led by John Wesley and William Wilberforce, put an end to the slave trade in that country. Christians under Wilberforce's leadership also formed hundreds of societies for helping the poor, the imprisoned, and child laborers chained to machines.

In Europe, Christians challenged the divine claims of kings and successfully fought to establish the rule of law and balance of governmental powers, which made modern democracy possible. And in America, Christian women stood at the vanguard of the suffrage movement. The great civil rights crusades of the 1950s and 60s were led by Christians claiming the Scriptures and asserting the glory of the image of God in every human being regardless of race, religion, age or class.

This same devotion to human dignity has led Christians in the last decade to work to end the dehumanizing scourge of human trafficking and sexual slavery, bring compassionate care to AIDS sufferers in Africa, and assist in a myriad of other human rights causes – from providing clean water in developing nations to providing homes for tens of thousands of children orphaned by war, disease and gender discrimination.

Like those who have gone before us in the faith, Christians today are called to proclaim the Gospel of costly grace, to protect the intrinsic dignity of the human person and to stand for the common good. In being true to its own calling, the call to discipleship, the church through service to others can make a profound contribution to the public good.

DECLARATION
We, as Orthodox, Catholic, and Evangelical Christians, have gathered, beginning in New York on September 28, 2009, to make the following declaration, which we sign as individuals, not on behalf of our organizations, but speaking to and from our communities. We act together in obedience to the one true God, the triune God of holiness and love, who has laid total claim on our lives and by that claim calls us with believers in all ages and all nations to seek and defend the good of all who bear his image. We set forth this declaration in light of the truth that is grounded in Holy Scripture, in natural human reason (which is itself, in our view, the gift of a beneficent God), and in the very nature of the human person. We call upon all people of goodwill, believers and non-believers alike, to consider carefully and reflect critically on the issues we here address as we, with St. Paul, commend this appeal to everyone's conscience in the sight of God.

While the whole scope of Christian moral concern, including a special concern for the poor and vulnerable, claims our attention, we are especially troubled that in our nation today the lives of the unborn, the disabled, and the elderly are severely threatened; that the institution of marriage, already buffeted by promiscuity, infidelity and divorce, is in jeopardy of being redefined to accommodate fashionable ideologies; that freedom of religion and the rights of conscience are gravely jeopardized by those who would use the instruments of coercion to compel persons of faith to compromise their deepest convictions.

Because the sanctity of human life, the dignity of marriage as a union of husband and wife, and the freedom of conscience and religion are foundational principles of justice and the common good, we are compelled by our Christian faith to speak and act in their defense. In this declaration we affirm: 1) the profound, inherent, and equal dignity of every human being as a creature fashioned in the very image of God, possessing inherent rights of equal dignity and life; 2) marriage as a conjugal union of man and woman, ordained by God from the creation, and historically understood by believers and non-believers alike, to be the most basic institution in society and; 3) religious liberty, which is grounded in the character of God, the example of Christ, and the inherent freedom and dignity of human beings created in the divine image.

We are Christians who have joined together across historic lines of ecclesial differences to affirm our right—and, more importantly, to embrace our obligation—to speak and act in defense of these truths. We pledge to each other, and to our fellow believers, that no power on earth, be it cultural or political, will intimidate us into silence or acquiescence. It is our duty to proclaim the Gospel of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in its fullness, both in season and out of season. May God help us not to fail in that duty.

LIFE
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Although public sentiment has moved in a pro-life direction, we note with sadness that pro- abortion ideology prevails today in our government. Many in the present administration want to make abortions legal at any stage of fetal development, and want to provide abortions at taxpayer expense. Majorities in both houses of Congress hold pro-abortion views. The Supreme Court, whose infamous 1973 decision in Roe v. Wade stripped the unborn of legal protection, continues to treat elective abortion as a fundamental constitutional right, though it has upheld as constitutionally permissible some limited restrictions on abortion. The President says that he wants to reduce the "need" for abortion—a commendable goal. But he has also pledged to make abortion more easily and widely available by eliminating laws prohibiting government funding, requiring waiting periods for women seeking abortions, and parental notification for abortions performed on minors. The elimination of these important and effective pro-life laws cannot reasonably be expected to do other than significantly increase the number of elective abortions by which the lives of countless children are snuffed out prior to birth. Our commitment to the sanctity of life is not a matter of partisan loyalty, for we recognize that in the thirty-six years since Roe v. Wade, elected officials and appointees of both major political parties have been complicit in giving legal sanction to what Pope John Paul II described as "the culture of death." We call on all officials in our country, elected and appointed, to protect and serve every member of our society, including the most marginalized, voiceless, and vulnerable among us.

A culture of death inevitably cheapens life in all its stages and conditions by promoting the belief that lives that are imperfect, immature or inconvenient are discardable. As predicted by many prescient persons, the cheapening of life that began with abortion has now metastasized. For example, human embryo-destructive research and its public funding are promoted in the name of science and in the cause of developing treatments and cures for diseases and injuries. The President and many in Congress favor the expansion of embryo-research to include the taxpayer funding of so-called "therapeutic cloning." This would result in the industrial mass production of human embryos to be killed for the purpose of producing genetically customized stem cell lines and tissues. At the other end of life, an increasingly powerful movement to promote assisted suicide and "voluntary" euthanasia threatens the lives of vulnerable elderly and disabled persons. Eugenic notions such as the doctrine of lebensunwertes Leben ("life unworthy of life") were first advanced in the 1920s by intellectuals in the elite salons of America and Europe. Long buried in ignominy after the horrors of the mid-20th century, they have returned from the grave. The only difference is that now the doctrines of the eugenicists are dressed up in the language of "liberty," "autonomy," and "choice."

We will be united and untiring in our efforts to roll back the license to kill that began with the abandonment of the unborn to abortion. We will work, as we have always worked, to bring assistance, comfort, and care to pregnant women in need and to those who have been victimized by abortion, even as we stand resolutely against the corrupt and degrading notion that it can somehow be in the best interests of women to submit to the deliberate killing of their unborn children. Our message is, and ever shall be, that the just, humane, and truly Christian answer to problem pregnancies is for all of us to love and care for mother and child alike.

A truly prophetic Christian witness will insistently call on those who have been entrusted with temporal power to fulfill the first responsibility of government: to protect the weak and vulnerable against violent attack, and to do so with no favoritism, partiality, or discrimination. The Bible enjoins us to defend those who cannot defend themselves, to speak for those who cannot themselves speak. And so we defend and speak for the unborn, the disabled, and the dependent. What the Bible and the light of reason make clear, we must make clear. We must be willing to defend, even at risk and cost to ourselves and our institutions, the lives of our brothers and sisters at every stage of development and in every condition.

Our concern is not confined to our own nation. Around the globe, we are witnessing cases of genocide and "ethnic cleansing," the failure to assist those who are suffering as innocent victims of war, the neglect and abuse of children, the exploitation of vulnerable laborers, the sexual trafficking of girls and young women, the abandonment of the aged, racial oppression and discrimination, the persecution of believers of all faiths, and the failure to take steps necessary to halt the spread of preventable diseases like AIDS. We see these travesties as flowing from the same loss of the sense of the dignity of the human person and the sanctity of human life that drives the abortion industry and the movements for assisted suicide, euthanasia, and human cloning for biomedical research. And so ours is, as it must be, a truly consistent ethic of love and life for all humans in all circumstances.

MARRIAGE
The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:23-24

This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:32-33

In Scripture, the creation of man and woman, and their one-flesh union as husband and wife, is the crowning achievement of God's creation. In the transmission of life and the nurturing of children, men and women joined as spouses are given the great honor of being partners with God Himself. Marriage then, is the first institution of human society—indeed it is the institution on which all other human institutions have their foundation. In the Christian tradition we refer to marriage as "holy matrimony" to signal the fact that it is an institution ordained by God, and blessed by Christ in his participation at a wedding in Cana of Galilee. In the Bible, God Himself blesses and holds marriage in the highest esteem.

Vast human experience confirms that marriage is the original and most important institution for sustaining the health, education, and welfare of all persons in a society. Where marriage is honored, and where there is a flourishing marriage culture, everyone benefits—the spouses themselves, their children, the communities and societies in which they live. Where the marriage culture begins to erode, social pathologies of every sort quickly manifest themselves. Unfortunately, we have witnessed over the course of the past several decades a serious erosion of the marriage culture in our own country. Perhaps the most telling—and alarming—indicator is the out-of-wedlock birth rate. Less than fifty years ago, it was under 5 percent. Today it is over 40 percent. Our society—and particularly its poorest and most vulnerable sectors, where the out- of-wedlock birth rate is much higher even than the national average—is paying a huge price in delinquency, drug abuse, crime, incarceration, hopelessness, and despair. Other indicators are widespread non-marital sexual cohabitation and a devastatingly high rate of divorce.

We confess with sadness that Christians and our institutions have too often scandalously failed to uphold the institution of marriage and to model for the world the true meaning of marriage. Insofar as we have too easily embraced the culture of divorce and remained silent about social practices that undermine the dignity of marriage we repent, and call upon all Christians to do the same.

To strengthen families, we must stop glamorizing promiscuity and infidelity and restore among our people a sense of the profound beauty, mystery, and holiness of faithful marital love. We must reform ill-advised policies that contribute to the weakening of the institution of marriage, including the discredited idea of unilateral divorce. We must work in the legal, cultural, and religious domains to instill in young people a sound understanding of what marriage is, what it requires, and why it is worth the commitment and sacrifices that faithful spouses make.

The impulse to redefine marriage in order to recognize same-sex and multiple partner relationships is a symptom, rather than the cause, of the erosion of the marriage culture. It reflects a loss of understanding of the meaning of marriage as embodied in our civil and religious law and in the philosophical tradition that contributed to shaping the law. Yet it is critical that the impulse be resisted, for yielding to it would mean abandoning the possibility of restoring a sound understanding of marriage and, with it, the hope of rebuilding a healthy marriage culture. It would lock into place the false and destructive belief that marriage is all about romance and other adult satisfactions, and not, in any intrinsic way, about procreation and the unique character and value of acts and relationships whose meaning is shaped by their aptness for the generation, promotion and protection of life. In spousal communion and the rearing of children (who, as gifts of God, are the fruit of their parents' marital love), we discover the profound reasons for and benefits of the marriage covenant.

We acknowledge that there are those who are disposed towards homosexual and polyamorous conduct and relationships, just as there are those who are disposed towards other forms of immoral conduct. We have compassion for those so disposed; we respect them as human beings possessing profound, inherent, and equal dignity; and we pay tribute to the men and women who strive, often with little assistance, to resist the temptation to yield to desires that they, no less than we, regard as wayward. We stand with them, even when they falter. We, no less than they, are sinners who have fallen short of God's intention for our lives. We, no less than they, are in constant need of God's patience, love and forgiveness. We call on the entire Christian community to resist sexual immorality, and at the same time refrain from disdainful condemnation of those who yield to it. Our rejection of sin, though resolute, must never become the rejection of sinners. For every sinner, regardless of the sin, is loved by God, who seeks not our destruction but rather the conversion of our hearts. Jesus calls all who wander from the path of virtue to "a more excellent way." As his disciples we will reach out in love to assist all who hear the call and wish to answer it.

We further acknowledge that there are sincere people who disagree with us, and with the teaching of the Bible and Christian tradition, on questions of sexual morality and the nature of marriage. Some who enter into same-sex and polyamorous relationships no doubt regard their unions as truly marital. They fail to understand, however, that marriage is made possible by the sexual complementarity of man and woman, and that the comprehensive, multi-level sharing of life that marriage is includes bodily unity of the sort that unites husband and wife biologically as a reproductive unit. This is because the body is no mere extrinsic instrument of the human person, but truly part of the personal reality of the human being. Human beings are not merely centers of consciousness or emotion, or minds, or spirits, inhabiting non-personal bodies. The human person is a dynamic unity of body, mind, and spirit. Marriage is what one man and one woman establish when, forsaking all others and pledging lifelong commitment, they found a sharing of life at every level of being—the biological, the emotional, the dispositional, the rational, the spiritual— on a commitment that is sealed, completed and actualized by loving sexual intercourse in which the spouses become one flesh, not in some merely metaphorical sense, but by fulfilling together the behavioral conditions of procreation. That is why in the Christian tradition, and historically in Western law, consummated marriages are not dissoluble or annullable on the ground of infertility, even though the nature of the marital relationship is shaped and structured by its intrinsic orientation to the great good of procreation.

We understand that many of our fellow citizens, including some Christians, believe that the historic definition of marriage as the union of one man and one woman is a denial of equality or civil rights. They wonder what to say in reply to the argument that asserts that no harm would be done to them or to anyone if the law of the community were to confer upon two men or two women who are living together in a sexual partnership the status of being "married." It would not, after all, affect their own marriages, would it? On inspection, however, the argument that laws governing one kind of marriage will not affect another cannot stand. Were it to prove anything, it would prove far too much: the assumption that the legal status of one set of marriage relationships affects no other would not only argue for same sex partnerships; it could be asserted with equal validity for polyamorous partnerships, polygamous households, even adult brothers, sisters, or brothers and sisters living in incestuous relationships. Should these, as a matter of equality or civil rights, be recognized as lawful marriages, and would they have no effects on other relationships? No. The truth is that marriage is not something abstract or neutral that the law may legitimately define and re-define to please those who are powerful and influential.

No one has a civil right to have a non-marital relationship treated as a marriage. Marriage is an objective reality—a covenantal union of husband and wife—that it is the duty of the law to recognize and support for the sake of justice and the common good. If it fails to do so, genuine social harms follow. First, the religious liberty of those for whom this is a matter of conscience is jeopardized. Second, the rights of parents are abused as family life and sex education programs in schools are used to teach children that an enlightened understanding recognizes as "marriages" sexual partnerships that many parents believe are intrinsically non-marital and immoral. Third, the common good of civil society is damaged when the law itself, in its critical pedagogical function, becomes a tool for eroding a sound understanding of marriage on which the flourishing of the marriage culture in any society vitally depends. Sadly, we are today far from having a thriving marriage culture. But if we are to begin the critically important process of reforming our laws and mores to rebuild such a culture, the last thing we can afford to do is to re-define marriage in such a way as to embody in our laws a false proclamation about what marriage is.

And so it is out of love (not "animus") and prudent concern for the common good (not "prejudice"), that we pledge to labor ceaselessly to preserve the legal definition of marriage as the union of one man and one woman and to rebuild the marriage culture. How could we, as Christians, do otherwise? The Bible teaches us that marriage is a central part of God's creation covenant. Indeed, the union of husband and wife mirrors the bond between Christ and his church. And so just as Christ was willing, out of love, to give Himself up for the church in a complete sacrifice, we are willing, lovingly, to make whatever sacrifices are required of us for the sake of the inestimable treasure that is marriage.

RELIGIOUS LIBERTY
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. Isaiah 61:1

Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's. Matthew 22:21

The struggle for religious liberty across the centuries has been long and arduous, but it is not a novel idea or recent development. The nature of religious liberty is grounded in the character of God Himself, the God who is most fully known in the life and work of Jesus Christ. Determined to follow Jesus faithfully in life and death, the early Christians appealed to the manner in which the Incarnation had taken place: "Did God send Christ, as some suppose, as a tyrant brandishing fear and terror? Not so, but in gentleness and meekness..., for compulsion is no attribute of God" (Epistle to Diognetus 7.3-4). Thus the right to religious freedom has its foundation in the example of Christ Himself and in the very dignity of the human person created in the image of God—a dignity, as our founders proclaimed, inherent in every human, and knowable by all in the exercise of right reason.

Christians confess that God alone is Lord of the conscience. Immunity from religious coercion is the cornerstone of an unconstrained conscience. No one should be compelled to embrace any religion against his will, nor should persons of faith be forbidden to worship God according to the dictates of conscience or to express freely and publicly their deeply held religious convictions. What is true for individuals applies to religious communities as well.

It is ironic that those who today assert a right to kill the unborn, aged and disabled and also a right to engage in immoral sexual practices, and even a right to have relationships integrated around these practices be recognized and blessed by law—such persons claiming these "rights" are very often in the vanguard of those who would trample upon the freedom of others to express their religious and moral commitments to the sanctity of life and to the dignity of marriage as the conjugal union of husband and wife.

We see this, for example, in the effort to weaken or eliminate conscience clauses, and therefore to compel pro-life institutions (including religiously affiliated hospitals and clinics), and pro-life physicians, surgeons, nurses, and other health care professionals, to refer for abortions and, in certain cases, even to perform or participate in abortions. We see it in the use of anti- discrimination statutes to force religious institutions, businesses, and service providers of various sorts to comply with activities they judge to be deeply immoral or go out of business. After the judicial imposition of "same-sex marriage" in Massachusetts, for example, Catholic Charities chose with great reluctance to end its century-long work of helping to place orphaned children in good homes rather than comply with a legal mandate that it place children in same-sex households in violation of Catholic moral teaching. In New Jersey, after the establishment of a quasi-marital "civil unions" scheme, a Methodist institution was stripped of its tax exempt status when it declined, as a matter of religious conscience, to permit a facility it owned and operated to be used for ceremonies blessing homosexual unions. In Canada and some European nations, Christian clergy have been prosecuted for preaching Biblical norms against the practice of homosexuality. New hate-crime laws in America raise the specter of the same practice here.

In recent decades a growing body of case law has paralleled the decline in respect for religious values in the media, the academy and political leadership, resulting in restrictions on the free exercise of religion. We view this as an ominous development, not only because of its threat to the individual liberty guaranteed to every person, regardless of his or her faith, but because the trend also threatens the common welfare and the culture of freedom on which our system of republican government is founded. Restrictions on the freedom of conscience or the ability to hire people of one's own faith or conscientious moral convictions for religious institutions, for example, undermines the viability of the intermediate structures of society, the essential buffer against the overweening authority of the state, resulting in the soft despotism Tocqueville so prophetically warned of.1 Disintegration of civil society is a prelude to tyranny.

As Christians, we take seriously the Biblical admonition to respect and obey those in authority. We believe in law and in the rule of law. We recognize the duty to comply with laws whether we happen to like them or not, unless the laws are gravely unjust or require those subject to them to do something unjust or otherwise immoral. The biblical purpose of law is to preserve order and serve justice and the common good; yet laws that are unjust—and especially laws that purport to compel citizens to do what is unjust—undermine the common good, rather than serve it.

Going back to the earliest days of the church, Christians have refused to compromise their proclamation of the gospel. In Acts 4, Peter and John were ordered to stop preaching. Their answer was, "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard." Through the centuries, Christianity has taught that civil disobedience is not only permitted, but sometimes required. There is no more eloquent defense of the rights and duties of religious conscience than the one offered by Martin Luther King, Jr., in his Letter from a Birmingham Jail. Writing from an explicitly Christian perspective, and citing Christian writers such as Augustine and Aquinas, King taught that just laws elevate and ennoble human beings because they are rooted in the moral law whose ultimate source is God Himself. Unjust laws degrade human beings. Inasmuch as they can claim no authority beyond sheer human will, they lack any power to bind in conscience. King's willingness to go to jail, rather than comply with legal injustice, was exemplary and inspiring.

Because we honor justice and the common good, we will not comply with any edict that purports to compel our institutions to participate in abortions, embryo-destructive research, assisted suicide and euthanasia, or any other anti-life act; nor will we bend to any rule purporting to force us to bless immoral sexual partnerships, treat them as marriages or the equivalent, or refrain from proclaiming the truth, as we know it, about morality and immorality and marriage and the family. We will fully and ungrudgingly render to Caesar what is Caesar's. But under no circumstances will we render to Caesar what is God's.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Defending Marriage


Many people are unaware that Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of British Columbia has been conducting a review of the topic of polygamy. This has been done in light of the news coming out of the Mormon community of Bountiful in B.C.

The study was conducted to determine whether or not the ban on polygamous relationships in Canada was legal. There was a great deal of concern that an appeal to the Charter of Rights would see this ban struck down. However, Chief Justice Robert Bauman has conducted what has been called "one of the most extensive reviews of the topic of polygamy that has ever been undertaken," and has found that the ban should stand.

His findings demonstrate clearly that a great deal of harm is done - to women, children, men and monogamous marriage - when polygamy is allowed. It is this demonstrated "harm" that lead the Chief Justice to rule that parliament's ban on "poly" relationships should stand.

This is good news for vulnerable women and children in particular, but also for Canadian society and all who want traditional marriage to continue to be the norm. For a more in-depth report go here. For the full Court document, go here.

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Thursday, June 09, 2011

Wanted: Best Friend


I got this from Michael Hyatt. I think it makes a good starting point. He used it in an article on how to become your spouse's best friend. What would you consider to be the qualities to look for in a real best friend? By the way, I'm glad to say that I have several people like this in my life. I hope you do as well. Feel free to share.

Wanted: Best Friend
Prospective candidates will:


•Make me feel good about being me.
•Affirm my best qualities (especially when I am feeling insecure)
•Call out the best in me, and hold me accountable to the best version of myself.
•Listen without judging or trying to fix me.
•Give me the benefit of the doubt.
•Extend grace to me when I am grumpy or having a bad day.
•Remember my birthday, favorite foods, music, and art.
•Know my story and love me regardless.
•Spend time with me, just because they enjoy my company.
•Speak well of me when I am not present.
•Serve me with a joyful spirit and without complaining.
•Speak the truth to me when no one else will.
•Never shame me, diminish me, or make me feel small.
•Become excited about what I am excited about.
•Celebrate my wins!

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Friday, May 06, 2011

Why I Believe In Marriage


Tomorrow afternoon I get to perform the marriage ceremony for my niece and her fiance. I do a few weddings a year, and every time I do I am acutely aware that there is a lot of disagreement about the very institution of marriage. I've met - and heard - a lot of people who have a very dim view indeed of matrimony.

There are varying reasons for this, some valid, some not so much. The rise in feminism and the resulting cries for sexual "liberation" from marriage resulted, at least for a time, in a great many young women rejecting marriage altogether. This cry for freedom came as the result of the historic patriarchal nature of marriage.

Another obvious reason is the dysfunction of many marriages. When children grow up seeing their parents constantly fighting and maybe even divorcing, their logical conclusion is that all marriage is like this, so why bother? One reason that's not spoken of often is the increase in sexual promiscuity. In other eras, men married in order to have sex; that is no longer necessary, and men are quite happy to take advantage of the situation. This change in behaviour has resulted in the rapid growth of co-habitation, a couple living together with no formal commitment. In today's social climate it is very rare to see a couple come to the marriage altar with their virginity.

The main question coming out of the changes we've seen is this: are we better off now that marriage has fallen out of favour? I, for one, would respond forcefully in the negative. Here are some of the reasons why:

We are not happier! According to a recent study, "researchers have concluded that although (Westerners) are rich compared with most other countries, many suffer from an emotional poverty caused by consumerism and the breakdown of family life. 'We are being seduced by an economic juggernaut and our personal needs are not being met,' said Nic Marks, a social sciences researcher at Surrey University who also worked on the report."

Non-traditional arrangements are less stable than marriages. (See article.) "A recent General Social Survey performed by Statistics Canada reported that in Canada, couples who choose a common-law relationship as their first conjugal union have a greater probability of this first union ending in separation, regardless of whether the common-law partners eventually married... Common-law unions are generally less stable than marriages: more than 60% of people who choose common-law unions as their first conjugal relationship are expected to separate."

Children are generally safer and happier when raised in a married home with both mother and father. (See study.) This is a particularly important issue because it points to what I believe is one of the underlying reasons that many have rejected marriage - selfishness.

We live in a culture that is incredibly narcissistic, and we've been convinced somehow that life revolves around us. This has resulted in the breakdown of community and a growing isolation. People who live like this see others as simply a means to their own happiness, but, as studies show, it's not working. We're not happier as a culture, that's why anti-depressant meds are a multi-billion dollar industry.

Here's what I've learned about happiness: it is not an end in itself, but is the product of consistently doing the right thing. It is not met by external things, but is realized by an inner fulfilment, a realization of a greater purpose.

All that being said, finding happiness in marriage is not an easy thing, it is difficult, as with almost anything worthwhile. I believe that part of the reason for the high failure rate in marriage is completely unrealistic expectations. As Sidney Harris writes: "Almost no-one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage."

Marriage is first a covenant, then it is a commitment. This was how God, who created us for each other, designed marriage. Counselor Gary Chapman tells us that "Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche." We need each other, and we need to know that we can rely on each other. So God made marriage to last for a lifetime. One man, one woman, until death.

The challenge in marriage is working out the commitment. It's putting the same energy into preserving the relationship as we did in its establishment. I heard a wonderful lady say something in a talk years ago that has always stuck with me. She said that there may not always be red-hot passion in a marriage, but there should always be red-hot commitment. So how does this work? What are the keys? As someone who's done his share of pre-marital counseling over the years, here are some of the keys that I've learned.

Get pre-marital counseling before marriage. It's amazing how many people don't feel like this is necessary. They would agree that deciding to marry is likely one of the most life-changing points in their lives yet not feel it is necessary to prepare. When faced with this mentality I usually ask if they have a driver's license. If so, did they study for the test? Is marriage more or less important than a driver's license. That's usually the end of the conversation.

Deal with your personal baggage. Everyone carries emotional baggage. There are incidents and issues in our lives that we carry with us that can affect our relationships. They're easily overlooked when a couple is dating and each is trying to put their best foot forward. But unresolved issues, like low self-esteem, an abusive background, anger issues, etc., will almost certainly jump up and bite you in the relationship later. Deal with them beforehand, and be honest. If your relationship can't handle the pressure of premarital counseling, you are not ready to marry!

Learn how to communicate effectively. In many surveys, the number one complaint of wives is that their husband will not communicate. In my experience, it's often because they don't really know how. Communication is complicated, and men and women obviously think very differently. We need to understand that communication is "a meeting of meanings" and not a battle we must win. We need to learn how to lay down our weapons of self-defense and get to know what makes our spouse tick. For a message on this, go here.

Be sure you're on the same page. This speaks to the question of worldview. I've had couples come to me, one an atheist and one a Christian, who wanted to be married. They didn't see that this was a problem. So I began to ask questions like, are you planning children? Will you raise the children in church or not? The more we talked, the more the potential problems became apparent, and the wedding was soon cancelled, and that was a good thing. For an article on worldview, go here.

Get a handle on your finances. Disagreement here is one of the top reasons for marriage breakup. Even if you think you've got it all together, I highly recommend that every couple take a course such as Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University." You'll be thankful later. Every married couple, like it or not, become financial partners in a new enterprise.

Talk about roles. Many marriages fail because of unmet expectations. Just because your mother was a stay-at-home Mom and loved it, doesn't mean your bride-to-be will be the same. Talk about division of labour. Who will clean the house, mow the lawn, do small repairs, wash the dishes, cook the meals, do the laundry, pick up the kids, etc... Trust me, it matters.

Share your dreams. In my Christian worldview, I firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us, and therefore a plan for each couple. God implants visions and dreams in our hearts as we follow Him. Why did God bring you together as a couple? How can you help one another to be the people that God called you to be? Where do you envision yourselves in 5, 10, 20 years? Are your dreams compatible?

Build on a solid foundation. Many couples will invite God to the wedding but not the marriage. They want the church wedding with all the props but are more than happy to leave God behind to clean up the confetti. The problem is, marriage was God's idea and was only designed to work with Him in the middle. As we love God He enables us to love each other.

The picture painted for us in the New Testament is one that is often missed and misinterpreted. Jesus used the analogy of marriage when He talked about His supreme sacrifice. He loved the church, His Bride, so much that He willingly laid down His life for her redemption. Paul tells us in Ephesians that men ought to love their wives in this way. A deep emotional need in every woman is to be treasured in such a way. Wives are taught to respect their husbands. This is probably the greatest emotional need for men, to be believed in and to be respected .

As we love each other, we give each other what we need, and we create a healthy environment in which to raise children. The Bible teaches us that love is not a feeling, but a choice and an action. As a husband, I can choose to love even when I might not be feeling like it's getting me anywhere. When I consistently serve my wife and sincerely try to meet her needs it makes her want to do the same.

Most of the above lessons I've learned the hard way, after almost 29 years of marriage. Are there lousy marriages? Absolutely. And marriage isn't for everyone, but it is a very good thing. I believe in marriage and family because it is the glue that holds society together. It's all wrapped up in the very large concept of "home." Home may be a place, but it is primarily about the people, people you love and with whom you can build a life. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to experience the joys and the pain of family life; they have made me what I am.

I hope you love this video below as much as I do. Enjoy!


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Worldview: Part 2 - Meaning
Worldview - Part 3 - Morality
Worldview - Part 4 - Destiny

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