Mars Hill is a meeting place to talk about life. It's named for the hill in Athens where the philosophers used to meet and debate what life was all about. Thanks for letting me share part of my journey with you.
Yesterday
my first grandchild was born – Luke Wesley denBok. He came into the world amid
a flurry of activity and mixed emotions, as life’s complications threatened to
deprive us of the sheer joy of the moment. But into this world he came, ready
or not.
His
birth, to me, was like a microcosm of life. There were risks involved, the
mid-wife was concerned for his well-being and a Caesarean Section was
considered. Family members were all dealing with their own lives and problems,
while trying to play their part and support the new Mom and Dad and baby. This
new little one is absolutely an intrusion, but such a welcome one.
He
entered the world and was immediately surrounded by people who love him – first
his Mom; then Dad; then Mom’s family; then Dad’s family. And on it goes in
expanding concentric circles. It is as it should be. Sharing the joy of a new
life is good for the soul.
Upon
reflection, what strikes me is the importance of each individual. I mean, we
are all part of the “human race,” but that is such an impersonal thing. The
Psalmist writes of God: “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”This
is true of every individual. Each human being is precious to God; created on
purpose and by design.
As
such we are all worthy of dignity, each endowed by our Creator with an innate
worth. We know that intuitively (or should) when a child is born, but I think
we forget that sometimes when people get a little older. We see the extreme
value that each of us has in the willingness of Christ to sacrifice His own
life for our sake. “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us
and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” (1 John 4:10)
So, everyone is someone for whom Christ died. The
child born in a mud hut in Africa has every
bit as much value as my grandson born in a modern hospital. The prostitute
working a street corner in Los Angeles is loved
by God just as much as the deacon in the three piece suit at First Church
on Sunday.
I’m reminded of Jesus’ response when asked: what was
the greatest command? He replied, in short, that we are to love God and love
people. He also said that if we have done it (visited, clothed, fed, etc...)
unto the least of these we’ve done it to Him. In other words, our love for God
will be reflected in our love for people.
I read a good example of this in Bill Hybels’ book, “Who
You Are When No One’s Looking.” He said that he “read of a doctor who spends his Wednesday afternoons hanging out with
a dozen homeless people. He talks with them and laughs with them and gives them
medical treatment when they need it. One week, one of the homeless men missed
the Wednesday meeting because he could barely walk. So the wealthy,
well-trained suburban doctor went to find the guy; he sat him down and gently
pried off the homeless man’s shoes and socks. What he found underneath were
feet badly bruised, blistered and infected. There, in a public place, the
doctor sat down on the floor, bathed the man’s sore feet, dressed the wounds
and prayed for the man’s comfort.”
I would like to be like that. I’m afraid I have a long
way to go. My grandson is one day old, and already I’d do anything for him. I
feel the same about all of my family. But everybody is somebody for whom Christ
died. Everyone is worthy of love and dignity. I’m trying to develop a heart for
others; to learn to love ordinary people the way that God loves me. After all, as someone said,
the entire world, with one trifling exception, consists of others. People
matter, all of them, large and small.
Perhaps I'll get there. I hope so. The world would be a better place if more people loved like that. In the meantime, I'm thankful for a special gift from God. Welcome to the world, Luke Wesley denBok,
God has big plans for you.
As stories emerge from the deadly shooting at Aurora, Colorado, one theme is being repeated - heroic sacrifice. At least four young men gave their lives protecting their girlfriends.
Alex Tevez and Amanda Lindgren
The first story was of a young man by the name of Alex Tevez. He had just turned 24 and had recently finished graduate school in Denver. When the shooting started he pulled his girlfriend, Amanda Lindgren, to the ground and covered her with his body. Family members expressed that this was what they would have expected him to do - it reflected who he was as a person.
Jonathon Blunk and Jansen Young
Then there was Jonathon Blunk. Jon pushed his girlfriend under a seat to shield her from the bullets, telling her to "Stay down!" He was a soldier who was planning on re-enlisting. He had told his girlfriend, Jansen Young, "I was born to serve my country." When she exited the theater unharmed she said, "Jon just took a bullet for me."
John Larimer and Julia Vojtsek
Next was John Larimer. John was a 27 year old third petty officer in the Navy. When gunfire erupted he immediately jumped over his seat and put his body between the gunman and his girlfriend, Julia Vojtsek. She said he "immediately and instinctively covered me and brought me to the ground in order to protect me from any danger." John, the youngest of five children, had told his brother, Noel, that that would be the best way to die, saving someone's life. Little did he know that it would happen in a movie theater.
Matt McQuinn and Samantha Fowler
Finally we hear of Matt McQuinn, 27. Matt dove in front of his girlfriend, Samantha Yowler. The couple had met at a Target store in Springfield, Ohio, where they both worked. Samantha was injured during the attack, suffering a gunshot wound in the knee. His stepfather, when asked what he thought of Matt's actions replied, "I'm not surprised. That's what a man does."
As I've been reading stories about these men, and watching news stories, I couldn't help but think about the whole question of what makes a man a man. What immediately sprang to my mind was Ephesians 5:25 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
As a pastor, I do a lot of premarital counseling. I always include this verse when I talk to the potential grooms. This was the way that God intended men to love their wives; with a sacrificial love, a love that is willing to do whatever it takes, including the ultimate sacrifice, to protect his family.
It's a picture of the love that Jesus Christ had for His church. He willingly went to the cross, the most horrible death that evil men of the time had imagined. It wasn't for any crime that He had committed that He died; He was a willing sacrifice in our place. He said, in Mark 10:45 that He came "to give his life as a ransom for many."In Ephesians, Paul holds this model up as the standard for all men in their relationships with their wives.
It's appropriate to honor these men, who put their lives on the line when the bullets started flying. As J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, “Courage is found in unlikely places.”
It's even found in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado.
We have lost a lot in this tragedy, as 12 people lost their lives and scores of others were injured. But we've also gained something by the example of these brave young men. While one man stood, with protective gear and an arsenal of weapons, to rain destruction on innocent people, 4 young men demonstrated what real love looks like. "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:13) I've included a video with interviews of the young women whose lives were saved. One question for you: what would you have done?
Today I had the chance to listen to some great teachers talk on the subject of hope, and more specifically, hope in tough times. I wanted to try to share some of those thoughts with you.
I have seen a few things in my lifetime. I have witnessed suffering and had a little of my own. Nothing I have seen compares to what I have heard about today. There are some very sad stories in our sometimes ugly world. But even amongst the suffering, there are incredible stories of hope.
I heard today from two young women whose life experiences have allowed them to see and hear first-hand what I have only read about in newspapers. The first was Amy Orr-Ewing, Director of Programmes for the Oxford Centre for Christian Apologetics and Training Director for RZIM Europe. Amy has had opportunity to minister around the world, even smuggling Bibles into Taliban territory, her group placing one in the hands of a leading Taliban Imam.
The story that she shared that struck me today, however, was of an Anglican archbishop in Africa by the name of Benjamin Kwashi. He has the unenviable task of ministering in a particularly volatile region in Nigeria. You may have seen him in the news as Christians in the City of Jos were attacked and killed by Islamic militants on numerous occasions in recent years.
It is a dangerous place to be a preacher of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. A few years ago, militants came to his house to find and kill the archbishop. Not finding him home, they instead brutalized his wife, Gloria, in unimaginable ways. He came home to find his wife in this state. She spent a number of months in the United States in recovery, including surgery to restore her eyesight. After her physical recovery, he asked her what she would like to do, was she willing to return to this dangerous place? Her answer was yes, there was work still to do. She returned to the scene of this brutality to continue to share the Gospel.
Some time later her husband was alone when, once again, the militants came to try to finally silence this leader of the church. They brought him into the yard to take his life. He asked if he could be allowed a few moments to pray to his God - his attackers agreed. In African style he raised his hands and began to pray loudly. He prayed for several moments and waited with his eyes closed for several more, expecting death. When he finally opened his eyes he found that he was all alone. His son came home just at that time and asked his father what had happened. He had just crossed paths with thirty armed militants who were running away in terror. What they had seen God knows, but the archbishop continues his ministry - there is hope in the darkness, and the church grows. Among other things, the Kwashis accommodate 50 orphaned children in their home whom they feed and educate. A further 150 children, housed nearby, are also educated in the compound.
Naomi Zacharias has worked for Coca-Cola as well as interning in the Executive Office of President George W. Bush. Her interest in global issues regarding children and women lead her to become the director of RZIM Wellspring International, an organization helping to equip organizations aiding women and children at risk around the world.
Naomi spoke of the plight of women caught up in the web of human trafficking, and the challenges of trying to help them. She has gone to places where 40-50% of the children are sold into the sex trade. She articulately speaks of the humanity of each of these people. They are not simply statistics, they are individuals, each with their own story, each worth redemption, and that we are all called to try to make a difference, even if it doesn't seem like we are making progress.
As C.S. Lewis said, “Sorrow turns out to be not a state, but a
process." There are times when all that we can do is to be with someone in their pain; to hear their story - to help to restore their dignity. As Christians we must remember that, even when it seems dark, this is not the end, and there is still more of the story yet to be lived out. Our role is to love and to care and to share. As Naomi said today,
"Heaven is the happily ever after but until then, we live in
some very hard realities."
So, why persevere? Why keep fighting when it seems as though the odds are overwhelming? She gives two reasons for us as believers:
We persevere because it's right.
We persevere because people matter.
This is true regardless of the issue. Here's the question of the day: what can you do - today - to make a positive difference in someone's world?
My son, Levi, got married this past Saturday. I remember Amanda, the girl he married, as a little six year old dynamo with attitude. She's now a beautiful young lady, and she's stolen his heart.
I remember wondering, all those years ago at the soccer pitch, which of those little girls might someday become my daughter-in-law. My son made a wise choice. As Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."
Many times over the past 23 years or so I prayed for the girl my son would choose, long before he or I had any idea who that might be. I did that because I believe that prayer is effective, and there are very few decisions in life that have the potential impact on your life as the person you choose as a life partner.
It's amazing how time flies. This week we've been taking my wife's mother on a tour of the area and our old haunts. We talked about our first few months of marriage - this September will mark 30 years - and, in retrospect, it's amazing we survived.
We did almost everything wrong. We got married young: I was 19; she had just turned 20. We moved into my parent's basement. We didn't have good jobs. I was Canadian; she was American. I moved her all the way from Tennessee to the cold of Canada. The list could go on and on. Yet, here we are, all these years later, still in love and still together. How does that happen?
Looking back, here are the truths that rise to the surface.
God is Faithful One thing we both shared was an absolute confidence that God would take care of us. We trusted Him and He didn't let us down. I remember, in our first year of marriage, when we had both been laid off and our unemployment insurance hadn't started. We were down to our last potato - literally - and we prayed that God would provide. We went to church (it was Sunday) and, by the time we came out, someone had filled our back seat with groceries.
Over and over again, just when it looked like there was no way out, God opened another door and provided a way. When Levi was just a toddler, he came down with a disease we'd never heard of before: Kawasaki's. Our doctor had not seen it either and thought that it was Scarlet Fever. By the time he was diagnosed, Levi was almost comatose and not certain to survive. People everywhere were praying, special treatment was given, and after a week in Sick Kids Hospital he was able to come home. It was years before the doctors gave him a clean bill of health. You think of things like this on your child's wedding day. God is faithful. Loving is a choice
Part of the problem with Hollywood's version of love is that it's based on emotion, and emotions change. The Bible teaches that love is a choice. God commands us to love each other. He doesn't say to love only when you feel like it. I remember listening to a wonderful speaker by the name of Elva Howard many years ago. She said, "While you may not always have red-hot passion in your marriage, you should always have red-hot commitment." This was great advice for the ebb and flow of marriage.
I tell people that we've been married for almost 30 years; 23 of them happy. There have been some rough spots. There have been times when I wasn't sure that we would make it, to be quite honest. We all carry baggage with us into marriage, and we had (have) our share. But we hung in there, learning how to communicate better, how to understand each other, and carrying one another when necessary. When all else fails we choose to love.
Forgiveness is a necessity As perfect as you may think your bride or husband may be as you stand at the marriage altar, there is one thing you can be sure of: they will let you down. Whether deliberately or by accident they will hurt you. They will not meet your expectations, they will disappoint you, and sometimes they will even fail miserably. It is at these moments when a relationship is tested.
We can forgive when we are honest enough to admit to ourselves that we aren't perfect either. For me, I know that I am a great sinner and Jesus is a great Savior. When I think of the forgiveness I've received, how can I not forgive the one I pledged to love forever if she asks? - and even if she doesn't. As someone said: "Those who can't forgive, burn the
bridge over
which they themselves must pass."
I'm so glad that I didn't surrender to my desire, at times, to run away as fast as I could. I'm just as glad that, for whatever reason, my wife chose to stay with me when I know it was tempting to walk away. As I watched my son, this weekend, pledge himself to Amanda for the rest of his life, I couldn't help but think that yes, it's worth it.
I hope and pray that my children don't repeat my mistakes, they certainly don't need to. I'll gladly share what I've learned the hard way if they ask. But I also pray that they always look to God who's faithful; that they choose to love, especially when it's difficult, and that they forgive from the heart. God will bless a marriage like that.
I originally posted this in May of 2011. I'm reposting it, as my son, Levi, will marry his beautiful fiance, Amanda, in two days. The points are still relevant.
Tomorrow afternoon I get to perform the marriage ceremony for my niece and her fiance. I do a few weddings a year, and every time I do I am acutely aware that there is a lot of disagreement about the very institution of marriage. I've met - and heard - a lot of people who have a very dim view indeed of matrimony.
There are varying reasons for this, some valid, some not so much. The rise in feminism and the resulting cries for sexual "liberation" from marriage resulted, at least for a time, in a great many young women rejecting marriage altogether. This cry for freedom came as the result of the historic patriarchal nature of marriage.
Another obvious reason is the dysfunction of many marriages. When children grow up seeing their parents constantly fighting and maybe even divorcing, their logical conclusion is that all marriage is like this, so why bother? One reason that's not spoken of often is the increase in sexual promiscuity. In other eras, men married in order to have sex; that is no longer necessary, and men are quite happy to take advantage of the situation. This change in behaviour has resulted in the rapid growth of co-habitation, a couple living together with no formal commitment. In today's social climate it is very rare to see a couple come to the marriage altar with their virginity.
The main question coming out of the changes we've seen is this: are we better off now that marriage has fallen out of favour? I, for one, would respond forcefully in the negative. Here are some of the reasons why:
We are not happier! According to a recent study, "researchers have concluded that although (Westerners) are rich compared with most other countries, many suffer from an emotional poverty caused by consumerism and the breakdown of family life. 'We are being seduced by an economic juggernaut and our personal needs are not being met,' said Nic Marks, a social sciences researcher at Surrey University who also worked on the report."
Non-traditional arrangements are less stable than marriages. (See article.) "A recent General Social Survey performed by Statistics Canada reported that in Canada, couples who choose a common-law relationship as their first conjugal union have a greater probability of this first union ending in separation, regardless of whether the common-law partners eventually married... Common-law unions are generally less stable than marriages: more than 60% of people who choose common-law unions as their first conjugal relationship are expected to separate."
Children are generally safer and happier when raised in a married home with both mother and father. (See study.) This is a particularly important issue because it points to what I believe is one of the underlying reasons that many have rejected marriage - selfishness.
We live in a culture that is incredibly narcissistic, and we've been convinced somehow that life revolves around us. This has resulted in the breakdown of community and a growing isolation. People who live like this see others as simply a means to their own happiness, but, as studies show, it's not working. We're not happier as a culture, that's why anti-depressant meds are a multi-billion dollar industry.
Here's what I've learned about happiness: it is not an end in itself, but is the product of consistently doing the right thing. It is not met by external things, but is realized by an inner fulfilment, a realization of a greater purpose.
All that being said, finding happiness in marriage is not an easy thing, it is difficult, as with almost anything worthwhile. I believe that part of the reason for the high failure rate in marriage is completely unrealistic expectations. As Sidney Harris writes: "Almost no-one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage."
Marriage is first a covenant, then it is a commitment. This was how God, who created us for each other, designed marriage. Counselor Gary Chapman tells us that "Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche." We need each other, and we need to know that we can rely on each other. So God made marriage to last for a lifetime. One man, one woman, until death.
The challenge in marriage is working out the commitment. It's putting the same energy into preserving the relationship as we did in its establishment. I heard a wonderful lady say something in a talk years ago that has always stuck with me. She said that there may not always be red-hot passion in a marriage, but there should always be red-hot commitment. So how does this work? What are the keys? As someone who's done his share of pre-marital counseling over the years, here are some of the keys that I've learned.
Get pre-marital counseling before marriage. It's amazing how many people don't feel like this is necessary. They would agree that deciding to marry is likely one of the most life-changing points in their lives yet not feel it is necessary to prepare. When faced with this mentality I usually ask if they have a driver's license. If so, did they study for the test? Is marriage more or less important than a driver's license. That's usually the end of the conversation.
Deal with your personal baggage. Everyone carries emotional baggage. There are incidents and issues in our lives that we carry with us that can affect our relationships. They're easily overlooked when a couple is dating and each is trying to put their best foot forward. But unresolved issues, like low self-esteem, an abusive background, anger issues, etc., will almost certainly jump up and bite you in the relationship later. Deal with them beforehand, and be honest. If your relationship can't handle the pressure of premarital counseling, you are not ready to marry!
Learn how to communicate effectively. In many surveys, the number one complaint of wives is that their husband will not communicate. In my experience, it's often because they don't really know how. Communication is complicated, and men and women obviously think very differently. We need to understand that communication is "a meeting of meanings" and not a battle we must win. We need to learn how to lay down our weapons of self-defense and get to know what makes our spouse tick. For a message on this, go here.
Be sure you're on the same page. This speaks to the question of worldview. I've had couples come to me, one an atheist and one a Christian, who wanted to be married. They didn't see that this was a problem. So I began to ask questions like, are you planning children? Will you raise the children in church or not? The more we talked, the more the potential problems became apparent, and the wedding was soon cancelled, and that was a good thing. For an article on worldview, go here.
Get a handle on your finances. Disagreement here is one of the top reasons for marriage breakup. Even if you think you've got it all together, I highly recommend that every couple take a course such as Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University." You'll be thankful later. Every married couple, like it or not, become financial partners in a new enterprise.
Talk about roles. Many marriages fail because of unmet expectations. Just because your mother was a stay-at-home Mom and loved it, doesn't mean your bride-to-be will be the same. Talk about division of labour. Who will clean the house, mow the lawn, do small repairs, wash the dishes, cook the meals, do the laundry, pick up the kids, etc... Trust me, it matters.
Share your dreams. In my Christian worldview, I firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us, and therefore a plan for each couple. God implants visions and dreams in our hearts as we follow Him. Why did God bring you together as a couple? How can you help one another to be the people that God called you to be? Where do you envision yourselves in 5, 10, 20 years? Are your dreams compatible?
Build on a solid foundation. Many couples will invite God to the wedding but not the marriage. They want the church wedding with all the props but are more than happy to leave God behind to clean up the confetti. The problem is, marriage was God's idea and was only designed to work with Him in the middle. As we love God He enables us to love each other.
The picture painted for us in the New Testament is one that is often missed and misinterpreted. Jesus used the analogy of marriage when He talked about His supreme sacrifice. He loved the church, His Bride, so much that He willingly laid down His life for her redemption. Paul tells us in Ephesians that men ought to love their wives in this way. A deep emotional need in every woman is to be treasured in such a way. Wives are taught to respect their husbands. This is probably the greatest emotional need for men, to be believed in and to be respected .
As we love each other, we give each other what we need, and we create a healthy environment in which to raise children. The Bible teaches us that love is not a feeling, but a choice and an action. As a husband, I can choose to love even when I might not be feeling like it's getting me anywhere. When I consistently serve my wife and sincerely try to meet her needs it makes her want to do the same.
Most of the above lessons I've learned the hard way, after almost 29 years of marriage. Are there lousy marriages? Absolutely. And marriage isn't for everyone, but it is a very good thing. I believe in marriage and family because it is the glue that holds society together. It's all wrapped up in the very large concept of "home." Home may be a place, but it is primarily about the people, people you love and with whom you can build a life. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to experience the joys and the pain of family life; they have made me what I am.
What is your advice for a happy marriage?
I hope you love this video below as much as I do. Enjoy!
When I interviewed Holden
McHugh about his family’s experience of taking care of his sister Hadley, he
helped me to understand an important element to living a better story.
Wanting to gain insight into how he survived such a difficult time, I asked
him what advice he would give to any family with a special needs kid.
His answer was simpler than I anticipated.
"Love them unconditionally and God will fill in the rest."
The Secret to Surviving Difficult Times
How do you keep getting up day after day to continue in a story that is
difficult?
How do you keep doing a hard work that seems to have no end in sight?
How do you face tomorrow when there will be no apparent healing for
today?
How do you keep a smile on your face?
Love.
Love without strings attached. Love those who do not deserve it. Love because
you choose to, not because it is easy. Love with an overabundance, giving all
that you have.
Our Best Love
This love is tough. It demands everything that we have. Human experience
struggles to experience such a love. Perhaps the love a mother has for her long anticipated newborn son comes
close.
Her son has grown inside of her, slowing forming from a single cell into a
beautiful baby boy. Nine months are spent watching skin stretch thin and legs
grow more swollen. Morning sickness is followed by afternoon and night sickness.
All followed by hours of labor.
But when her son arrives, she asks him no questions. She expects nothing in
return for her pain and suffering. She doesn’t even demand love in return.
She has no thoughts for herself. Her mind and her heart are for her child
only.
But even her love for her own child will become selfish. When he is 2 months
old and won’t stop crying because of colic and she needs some sleep, her love
will fail.
When he is 7 years old and will not flush the toilet or brush his teeth or
wash his hands without having to be reminded again, her love will fail.
When he is 16 and wants to hang out with his friends at the mall and she
wants to hang on to the days when he depended on her for everything, her love
will fail.
A Perfect Love
We have to look beyond ourselves to experience such a radical love. We have
to learn how to love others unconditionally by accepting God’s love for us.
The creator of everything made you specifically to be you. Billions of years
ago he planned you and then when the time came to actually form you, there was a twinkle of delight in his eye. He made you to tell your story. He made you
because he delights in you.
He loves you enough that he enabled you to rebel against him, free to choose
your own will. Free to run away from home.
And he loves you so much, he gave you Jesus, God with us, so that you could
come back home, always his child.
Since we are the kids of the a king, we can then live for him. We can
love because we have known love.
And then we let God fill in the rest.
Have you been through a difficult trial? What got you through it?
Tell us your story in the comments.
This post is written by Dr. Jeremy Statton. He is an orthopedic surgeon and a writer. Hisblogfocuses on encouraging others to live a better story with their lives. You can connect with him onTwitter.
As we celebrate this most romantic of holidays I think it's appropriate to take a good look at what love is and is not. I know that we've all grown enamored with the Hollywood version of love - that there's this one "perfect" person out there for all of us, and if we could just find them our life would work out great, and we would live "happily ever after."
The problem with that is that if we look for, and hold out for, that perfect person, they will never be found. No-one is perfect - and we certainly aren't. Each of us are flawed in our own way, but that is part of the charm and the challenge of love. Let's look at what love is, really, anyway.
The Biblical word for "love" as used in the marriage context is from the Greek "agapao" and speaks of, not merely affection or lustful attraction, but self-sacrifice. In the time when the New Testament was written, women in most cultures were viewed as property, and faithfulness was not a quality that was valued. So, when the Apostle Paul came out with the statement in Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." it was a radical challenge.
It was a commitment to remain faithful to God's standard of marriage - one man, one woman for one lifetime. God tells us, through Paul, to love our wives as Christ loved the church - and willingly laid down His life for her. This pattern stands in stark contrast to the one we see around us, where love is often seen as conditional as long as our list of expectations is met. No, here we see that love is a choice and an action word. I might not feel like it every day, but I am called - every day - to love my wife, the one I covenanted with for life.
This does not rely on feelings, feelings pass. This actually is beyond my ability, something I freely admit. It is for this reason that the Bible doesn't teach that the marriage relationship is to be first in our lives. When Jesus was asked about priorities in Matthew's Gospel, He said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
So, God is to be first. None of us are whole without having the relationship with our Creator restored. It provides the basis for success in all of our other relationships - including marriage. That was the purpose of Jesus'ministry, life, death and resurrection - it was all about restoration. In His famous Parable of the Prodigal Son we see God portrayed as the loving father waiting to welcome His child home. That's a picture of God's love for each of us. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8).
It is the security of this relationship we can have with our Creator that provides the foundation for us to love our wives unconditionally. It's not about some abstract philosophical truth, but a genuine relationship that we can have with God. We can bring to Him our questions, our burdens, failures and our concerns and find the strength, peace, grace and endurance to continue. So, I gladly say that my wife is Number 2 in my life! And I am her Number 2. Neither of us would have it any other way. Happy Valentine's Day!
We've all heard about the book "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus." We're very different, and that's a good thing. However, the differences aren't simply male and female. Our personalities are also different, and the way that we "receive" love is different. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book a number of years ago called "The Five Love Languages" to explain this very reality. Understanding the differences between ourselves and others has saved many a home and helped many a family. It's a great book to have in your library.
So, what are the Five Love Languages? Here is the quick list.
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Here's a quick synopsis of each. I've included, at the end of this article, a link to a free on-line assessment where you can figure out your love language. This would be a great exercise and discussion starter for you and your husband or wife on Valentine's Day.
Words of Affirmation. The person who has this as their primary love language has the need to hear their loved one say "I love you," "I'm proud of you," and other encouraging words, without being asked. They also are devastated by hurtful words.
Quality Time. This type of person needs the undivided attention of their loved one. Tardiness, forgetfulness or distraction will make this person feel that they are unloved.
Receiving Gifts. This person is not so much into materialism as they are into thoughtfulness. They love the feeling that the person they cared about took the time and the energy to think of them, even if it was a small gift. Not remembering big occasions for this person can result in big relationship challenges.
Acts of Service. For this person, small things like helping with the dishes or cleaning up make a big difference. They value the idea that the other person cares enough to help in tangible ways. Laziness and not following through will lead to problems.
Physical Touch. This person needs physical contact, lots of hugs, touches and holding of hands. Neglecting this need results in pain and isolation.
The point of this lesson is this, we need to understand the love language of those we love in order to more effectively communicate to them. We can be speaking our love language and thinking that all is well, while our partner is wondering why we don't care. It happens all the time. Relationships are complicated. Understanding the five love languages will give you another tool in your relationship toolbox.
I got this from Michael Hyatt. I think it makes a good starting point. He used it in an article on how to become your spouse's best friend. What would you consider to be the qualities to look for in a real best friend? By the way, I'm glad to say that I have several people like this in my life. I hope you do as well. Feel free to share.
Wanted: Best Friend Prospective candidates will:
•Make me feel good about being me. •Affirm my best qualities (especially when I am feeling insecure) •Call out the best in me, and hold me accountable to the best version of myself. •Listen without judging or trying to fix me. •Give me the benefit of the doubt. •Extend grace to me when I am grumpy or having a bad day. •Remember my birthday, favorite foods, music, and art. •Know my story and love me regardless. •Spend time with me, just because they enjoy my company. •Speak well of me when I am not present. •Serve me with a joyful spirit and without complaining. •Speak the truth to me when no one else will. •Never shame me, diminish me, or make me feel small. •Become excited about what I am excited about. •Celebrate my wins!
Tomorrow afternoon I get to perform the marriage ceremony for my niece and her fiance. I do a few weddings a year, and every time I do I am acutely aware that there is a lot of disagreement about the very institution of marriage. I've met - and heard - a lot of people who have a very dim view indeed of matrimony.
There are varying reasons for this, some valid, some not so much. The rise in feminism and the resulting cries for sexual "liberation" from marriage resulted, at least for a time, in a great many young women rejecting marriage altogether. This cry for freedom came as the result of the historic patriarchal nature of marriage.
Another obvious reason is the dysfunction of many marriages. When children grow up seeing their parents constantly fighting and maybe even divorcing, their logical conclusion is that all marriage is like this, so why bother? One reason that's not spoken of often is the increase in sexual promiscuity. In other eras, men married in order to have sex; that is no longer necessary, and men are quite happy to take advantage of the situation. This change in behaviour has resulted in the rapid growth of co-habitation, a couple living together with no formal commitment. In today's social climate it is very rare to see a couple come to the marriage altar with their virginity.
The main question coming out of the changes we've seen is this: are we better off now that marriage has fallen out of favour? I, for one, would respond forcefully in the negative. Here are some of the reasons why:
We are not happier! According to a recent study, "researchers have concluded that although (Westerners) are rich compared with most other countries, many suffer from an emotional poverty caused by consumerism and the breakdown of family life. 'We are being seduced by an economic juggernaut and our personal needs are not being met,' said Nic Marks, a social sciences researcher at Surrey University who also worked on the report."
Non-traditional arrangements are less stable than marriages. (See article.) "A recent General Social Survey performed by Statistics Canada reported that in Canada, couples who choose a common-law relationship as their first conjugal union have a greater probability of this first union ending in separation, regardless of whether the common-law partners eventually married... Common-law unions are generally less stable than marriages: more than 60% of people who choose common-law unions as their first conjugal relationship are expected to separate."
Children are generally safer and happier when raised in a married home with both mother and father. (See study.) This is a particularly important issue because it points to what I believe is one of the underlying reasons that many have rejected marriage - selfishness.
We live in a culture that is incredibly narcissistic, and we've been convinced somehow that life revolves around us. This has resulted in the breakdown of community and a growing isolation. People who live like this see others as simply a means to their own happiness, but, as studies show, it's not working. We're not happier as a culture, that's why anti-depressant meds are a multi-billion dollar industry.
Here's what I've learned about happiness: it is not an end in itself, but is the product of consistently doing the right thing. It is not met by external things, but is realized by an inner fulfilment, a realization of a greater purpose.
All that being said, finding happiness in marriage is not an easy thing, it is difficult, as with almost anything worthwhile. I believe that part of the reason for the high failure rate in marriage is completely unrealistic expectations. As Sidney Harris writes: "Almost no-one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage."
Marriage is first a covenant, then it is a commitment. This was how God, who created us for each other, designed marriage. Counselor Gary Chapman tells us that "Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche." We need each other, and we need to know that we can rely on each other. So God made marriage to last for a lifetime. One man, one woman, until death.
The challenge in marriage is working out the commitment. It's putting the same energy into preserving the relationship as we did in its establishment. I heard a wonderful lady say something in a talk years ago that has always stuck with me. She said that there may not always be red-hot passion in a marriage, but there should always be red-hot commitment. So how does this work? What are the keys? As someone who's done his share of pre-marital counseling over the years, here are some of the keys that I've learned.
Get pre-marital counseling before marriage. It's amazing how many people don't feel like this is necessary. They would agree that deciding to marry is likely one of the most life-changing points in their lives yet not feel it is necessary to prepare. When faced with this mentality I usually ask if they have a driver's license. If so, did they study for the test? Is marriage more or less important than a driver's license. That's usually the end of the conversation.
Deal with your personal baggage. Everyone carries emotional baggage. There are incidents and issues in our lives that we carry with us that can affect our relationships. They're easily overlooked when a couple is dating and each is trying to put their best foot forward. But unresolved issues, like low self-esteem, an abusive background, anger issues, etc., will almost certainly jump up and bite you in the relationship later. Deal with them beforehand, and be honest. If your relationship can't handle the pressure of premarital counseling, you are not ready to marry!
Learn how to communicate effectively. In many surveys, the number one complaint of wives is that their husband will not communicate. In my experience, it's often because they don't really know how. Communication is complicated, and men and women obviously think very differently. We need to understand that communication is "a meeting of meanings" and not a battle we must win. We need to learn how to lay down our weapons of self-defense and get to know what makes our spouse tick. For a message on this, go here.
Be sure you're on the same page. This speaks to the question of worldview. I've had couples come to me, one an atheist and one a Christian, who wanted to be married. They didn't see that this was a problem. So I began to ask questions like, are you planning children? Will you raise the children in church or not? The more we talked, the more the potential problems became apparent, and the wedding was soon cancelled, and that was a good thing. For an article on worldview, go here.
Get a handle on your finances. Disagreement here is one of the top reasons for marriage breakup. Even if you think you've got it all together, I highly recommend that every couple take a course such as Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University." You'll be thankful later. Every married couple, like it or not, become financial partners in a new enterprise.
Talk about roles. Many marriages fail because of unmet expectations. Just because your mother was a stay-at-home Mom and loved it, doesn't mean your bride-to-be will be the same. Talk about division of labour. Who will clean the house, mow the lawn, do small repairs, wash the dishes, cook the meals, do the laundry, pick up the kids, etc... Trust me, it matters.
Share your dreams. In my Christian worldview, I firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us, and therefore a plan for each couple. God implants visions and dreams in our hearts as we follow Him. Why did God bring you together as a couple? How can you help one another to be the people that God called you to be? Where do you envision yourselves in 5, 10, 20 years? Are your dreams compatible?
Build on a solid foundation. Many couples will invite God to the wedding but not the marriage. They want the church wedding with all the props but are more than happy to leave God behind to clean up the confetti. The problem is, marriage was God's idea and was only designed to work with Him in the middle. As we love God He enables us to love each other.
The picture painted for us in the New Testament is one that is often missed and misinterpreted. Jesus used the analogy of marriage when He talked about His supreme sacrifice. He loved the church, His Bride, so much that He willingly laid down His life for her redemption. Paul tells us in Ephesians that men ought to love their wives in this way. A deep emotional need in every woman is to be treasured in such a way. Wives are taught to respect their husbands. This is probably the greatest emotional need for men, to be believed in and to be respected .
As we love each other, we give each other what we need, and we create a healthy environment in which to raise children. The Bible teaches us that love is not a feeling, but a choice and an action. As a husband, I can choose to love even when I might not be feeling like it's getting me anywhere. When I consistently serve my wife and sincerely try to meet her needs it makes her want to do the same.
Most of the above lessons I've learned the hard way, after almost 29 years of marriage. Are there lousy marriages? Absolutely. And marriage isn't for everyone, but it is a very good thing. I believe in marriage and family because it is the glue that holds society together. It's all wrapped up in the very large concept of "home." Home may be a place, but it is primarily about the people, people you love and with whom you can build a life. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to experience the joys and the pain of family life; they have made me what I am.
I hope you love this video below as much as I do. Enjoy!
Yesterday
my first grandchild was born – Luke Wesley denBok. He came into the world amid
a flurry of activity and mixed emotions, as life’s complications threatened to
deprive us of the sheer joy of the moment. But into this world he came, ready
or not.
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