I'm a Grandfather!

Yesterday my first grandchild was born – Luke Wesley denBok. He came into the world amid a flurry of activity and mixed emotions, as life’s complications threatened to deprive us of the sheer joy of the moment. But into this world he came, ready or not.

His birth, to me, was like a microcosm of life. There were risks involved, the mid-wife was concerned for his well-being and a Caesarean Section was considered. Family members were all dealing with their own lives and problems, while trying to play their part and support the new Mom and Dad and baby. This new little one is absolutely an intrusion, but such a welcome one.

He entered the world and was immediately surrounded by people who love him – first his Mom; then Dad; then Mom’s family; then Dad’s family. And on it goes in expanding concentric circles. It is as it should be. Sharing the joy of a new life is good for the soul.

Upon reflection, what strikes me is the importance of each individual. I mean, we are all part of the “human race,” but that is such an impersonal thing. The Psalmist writes of God: “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” This is true of every individual. Each human being is precious to God; created on purpose and by design.

As such we are all worthy of dignity, each endowed by our Creator with an innate worth. We know that intuitively (or should) when a child is born, but I think we forget that sometimes when people get a little older. We see the extreme value that each of us has in the willingness of Christ to sacrifice His own life for our sake. “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” (1 John 4:10)

So, everyone is someone for whom Christ died. The child born in a mud hut in Africa has every bit as much value as my grandson born in a modern hospital. The prostitute working a street corner in Los Angeles is loved by God just as much as the deacon in the three piece suit at First Church on Sunday.

I’m reminded of Jesus’ response when asked: what was the greatest command? He replied, in short, that we are to love God and love people. He also said that if we have done it (visited, clothed, fed, etc...) unto the least of these we’ve done it to Him. In other words, our love for God will be reflected in our love for people.

I read a good example of this in Bill Hybels’ book, “Who You Are When No One’s Looking.” He said that he “read of a doctor who spends his Wednesday afternoons hanging out with a dozen homeless people. He talks with them and laughs with them and gives them medical treatment when they need it. One week, one of the homeless men missed the Wednesday meeting because he could barely walk. So the wealthy, well-trained suburban doctor went to find the guy; he sat him down and gently pried off the homeless man’s shoes and socks. What he found underneath were feet badly bruised, blistered and infected. There, in a public place, the doctor sat down on the floor, bathed the man’s sore feet, dressed the wounds and prayed for the man’s comfort.”

I would like to be like that. I’m afraid I have a long way to go. My grandson is one day old, and already I’d do anything for him. I feel the same about all of my family. But everybody is somebody for whom Christ died. Everyone is worthy of love and dignity. I’m trying to develop a heart for others; to learn to love ordinary people the way that God loves me. After all, as someone said, the entire world, with one trifling exception, consists of others. People matter, all of them, large and small. 

Perhaps I'll get there. I hope so. The world would be a better place if more people loved like that. In the meantime, I'm thankful for a special gift from God. Welcome to the world, Luke Wesley denBok, God has big plans for you.  

When It Rains On Your Parade

What do you do when life throws you a curve? Today was "Heritage Day" for our small community here near Georgian Bay. It was also the 140th Anniversary of the town - and we had thunderstorms. The event was cancelled due to bad weather and a meeting will be held to determine whether or not to reschedule.

I'm sure that the organizers of today's parade and all of the festivities are very disappointed; a lot of hard work was put into preparing for this day. It reminded me of times in my life when things just didn't go according to plan, times when I was reminded that I'm not in charge of the world and some things are just outside of my control. So, the question remains, what do you do when the unforeseen happens? This can be anything from an economic downturn, to a natural disaster, to an illness or a car accident.

I'm sure you may have your own list, but let's first look at what not to do.

• Don't panic. I'm sure we've all encountered the "Chicken Little's" of this world who are convinced that whatever has just happened marks the beginning of the end of everything. They are the typical over-reactors, making the situation worse by adding their own anxiety to the mix. 
• Don't blame. It's very easy to resort to the blame game when something goes wrong. "George was in charge of weather, it wasn't my fault!" The truth is, sometimes someone did mess up, but the time to deal with that is not when you're in the middle of a crisis.
• Don't avoid. This is probably the most common mistake that people make. They freeze and find themselves unable to make a decision. You may be able to get away with this if the matter only concerns you, but usually there are others involved.

That's what you shouldn't do - here are some suggestions for what you should do. Feel free to send along your comment if you think of anything I've missed.

• Stay calm. If you need to, get alone and take some deep breaths to clear your head. If you are the leader, people will be looking to you. If you are in a panic, everyone will be. If you're a believer, pray. Remember that while you may be surprised, God isn't.
• Assess the situation. Information is power, so be sure that you have all of the information you need. Gather around you the people who can tell you what you need to know. What are your options? If you're a visual person, write them down. Consider the ramifications of each choice. As Zig Ziglar said: "Every choice you make has an end result."
• Make a decision. At the end of the day, someone has to decide what to do. If you're the leader, that means you. While it is important to analyze the situation, sometimes we can get stuck in what is called the "paralysis of analysis." Weigh your options, consult those you trust, and make your decision.
• Stand by your choice. It might not (likely will not) make everyone happy, but few choices do. When leaders make hard choices, they very quickly find out who their friends are - and who they aren't. Rightly or wrongly, it was your decision to make. Once you've made it, own it.
• Learn from it. Be sure to go back and revisit this once the dust has settled. What did you do right? What did you do wrong? Could this have been avoided? Was this a result of bad planning? What could we have done differently? 
• Maintain a positive attitude. This is a life choice. I read something by Charles Swindoll a long time ago that has stuck with me. I'll share it here with you as I conclude. May the sun shine on your next parade.   

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

"Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

"And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."

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Thoughts on Suffering and Hope

Today I had the chance to listen to some great teachers talk on the subject of hope, and more specifically, hope in tough times. I wanted to try to share some of those thoughts with you.

I have seen a few things in my lifetime. I have witnessed suffering and had a little of my own. Nothing I have seen compares to what I have heard about today. There are some very sad stories in our sometimes ugly world. But even amongst the suffering, there are incredible stories of hope.

I heard today from two young women whose life experiences have allowed them to see and hear first-hand what I have only read about in newspapers. The first was Amy Orr-Ewing, Director of Programmes for the Oxford Centre for Christian Apologetics and Training Director for RZIM Europe. Amy has had opportunity to minister around the world, even smuggling Bibles into Taliban territory, her group placing one in the hands of a leading Taliban Imam.

The story that she shared that struck me today, however, was of an Anglican archbishop in Africa by the name of Benjamin Kwashi. He has the unenviable task of ministering in a particularly volatile region in Nigeria. You may have seen him in the news as Christians in the City of Jos were attacked and killed by Islamic militants on numerous occasions in recent years.

It is a dangerous place to be a preacher of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. A few years ago, militants came to his house to find and kill the archbishop. Not finding him home, they instead brutalized his wife, Gloria, in unimaginable ways. He came home to find his wife in this state. She spent a number of months in the United States in recovery, including surgery to restore her eyesight. After her physical recovery, he asked her what she would like to do, was she willing to return to this dangerous place? Her answer was yes, there was work still to do. She returned to the scene of this brutality to continue to share the Gospel.

Some time later her husband was alone when, once again, the militants came to try to finally silence this leader of the church. They brought him into the yard to take his life. He asked if he could be allowed a few moments to pray to his God - his attackers agreed. In African style he raised his hands and began to pray loudly. He prayed for several moments and waited with his eyes closed for several more, expecting death. When he finally opened his eyes he found that he was all alone. His son came home just at that time and asked his father what had happened. He had just crossed paths with thirty armed militants who were running away in terror. What they had seen God knows, but the archbishop continues his ministry - there is hope in the darkness, and the church grows. Among other things, the Kwashis accommodate 50 orphaned children in their home whom they feed and educate. A further 150 children, housed nearby, are also educated in the compound.

Naomi Zacharias has worked for Coca-Cola as well as interning in the Executive Office of President George W. Bush. Her interest in global issues regarding children and women lead her to become the director of RZIM Wellspring International, an organization helping to equip organizations aiding women and children at risk around the world.

Naomi spoke of the plight of women caught up in the web of human trafficking, and the challenges of trying to help them. She has gone to places where 40-50% of the children are sold into the sex trade. She articulately speaks of the humanity of each of these people. They are not simply statistics, they are individuals, each with their own story, each worth redemption, and that we are all called to try to make a difference, even if it doesn't seem like we are making progress.

As C.S. Lewis said, “Sorrow turns out to be not a state, but a process." There are times when all that we can do is to be with someone in their pain; to hear their story - to help to restore their dignity. As Christians we must remember that, even when it seems dark, this is not the end, and there is still more of the story yet to be lived out. Our role is to love and to care and to share. As Naomi said today, "Heaven is the happily ever after but until then, we live in some very hard realities."

So, why persevere? Why keep fighting when it seems as though the odds are overwhelming? She gives two reasons for us as believers:

1. We persevere because it's right.
2. We persevere because people matter.

This is true regardless of the issue. Here's the question of the day: what can you do - today - to make a positive difference in someone's world?

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The Power of Forgiveness

About five years ago I helped to arrange a couple of speaking engagements for a Vietnamese lady by the name of Kim Phuc. Kim is famous for a photo that was snapped of her which became an icon and earned a Pulitzer Prize. In the photo (shown below), 9 year old Kim is seen running from her village with others, her clothing having been burned off by napalm, as they had been mistakenly attacked as enemy soldiers.

Kim spent 14 months in hospital and had 17 surgical procedures. She was then used as a propaganda tool by the Communist North Vietnamese government. After being given leave to study in Cuba, Kim was married and, on their honeymoon, got off a plane in Gander, Newfoundland at a refueling stop and asked for political asylum in Canada. She has since moved to Toronto, and now speaks on behalf of child victims of war, having started the Kim Phuc Foundation International.  

The reason I thought of Kim was that I was preparing to write on the subject of forgiveness. I remembered her powerful words on the subject as she spoke at our local High School and to our church. She is one who can speak with authority on the subject, having endured horrible suffering as a victim of war. In 1996, Kim publicly forgave an American pilot who believed that he was the one who had dropped the bomb on her village.

The subject of forgiveness is a touchy one. Many people feel that forgiving someone is tantamount to letting them get away with what they've done. But what they don't understand is that not forgiving actually costs the victim more. As Kim said, "The anger inside me was like a hatred as high as a mountain. I hated my life. I hated all people who were normal because I was not normal. I really wanted to die many times." I've met many who have shared the same kind of sentiment. 


In 1982, Kim came to faith in Jesus Christ and, with that, found the capacity to forgive. She said, "God helped me to learn to forgive - the most difficult of all lessons. It didn't happen in a day and it wasn't easy. But I finally got it. Forgiveness made me free from hatred. I still have many scars on my body and severe pain most days but my heart is cleansed." 

Most people would not have the depth of emotion Kim experienced and perhaps wouldn't describe their feelings as hatred, yet the power of those emotions is real nonetheless. It keeps them from living life to the fullest; they avoid people and places; relationships are hindered and damage is done to the soul. What should we do when we find ourselves trapped by unforgiveness? Here are some keys.

Start at the Cross
The cross of Jesus Christ is the greatest symbol and example of forgiveness that we have been given. It was from the cross that Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." He prayed this for the soldiers who mercilessly tortured him. In the cross, we find forgiveness and mercy offered to all of us. Kim spoke of the power of this reality in her own life. She could forgive because she had been forgiven. 

Choose to Forgive
Forgiveness, ultimately, is a choice. It's a decision to no longer hold something over someone's head. It releases the forgiver to move forward with their life and let go of the past. Choosing not to forgive locks us in time at the place where we were hurt. It continues that person's power over us. As someone said, "not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."   

Forgiving Doesn't Require Forgetting    
We are human, and we don't forget much, except maybe where we put the car keys. What we can do is refuse to let the memory rule our lives. We choose to walk in a new reality.

Forgiving Allows Healing
Every one of us who has lived long enough has been hurt by someone in our lives. For many, those wounds are sensitive and anyone who brushes against them emotionally may pay the price - including friends and family. But when we choose to forgive, the power of that event is broken and healing can begin. It may take time, but good can actually come from the bad events in our lives. I'll give the final word to Kim. “Having known war, I now know the value of peace. Having lived with pain, I know the value of love. Having lost everything, I now know the value of cherishing everything I have that’s important and having known hatred, I now know the value and the power of faith and forgiveness.” 

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Get Over It

John Donne said that "no man is an island." We all live in community; our lives brush up against others on a daily basis. Even the most introverted among us impacts a group of people, however small. For that reason alone, maintaining healthy relationships is a life skill that none can do without. And perhaps the greatest enemy of relationship is a little thing called offense.

An offense is that thing, be it large or small, that somehow finds its way between people and, unless dealt with, severs whatever bond once existed. I've seen it happen so often that, at times, it becomes almost nauseating. I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, how can we avoid being a casualty to this thing called offense? 

Be Honest With Yourself 
One of the best ways to keep relationships intact is to give up on the illusion of your own perfection. You and I have made mistakes - plenty of them. That fact in itself should help us to extend a little more grace to others. There are days when I have not felt well and have said things I shouldn't have. Without the grace of others, I could have, and likely have, done damage to relationships. There are other times when I, in my stress or fatigue, have taken someone else's words or behavior and willfully took offense, when I knew that was not their intention. These actions are my responsibility; the fault lies with no-one else.

Remember That People Are Just People 
We tend to expect a lot more from others than we do from ourselves. We tend to judge others quickly for what they do or say yet we judge ourselves by our intentions. There is a lot of wisdom in Jesus' words when He said to "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Take a moment and think about what that person may have gone through already, what battle they may be facing. We are all human, subject to illness, fatigue, financial problems, work issues, family challenges, etc... You are not the only one with a sad story.

Practice Good Will
This is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. It has saved me a mountain of grief and kept me from walking away from people I love. Good will is very simply believing the best about a person until being proven otherwise. This works in marriage and family life, workplace relationships and friendships. It's a conscious choice. Here's how it works in real life. Let's say I'm speaking with someone and they say something that could very easily be taken the wrong way.

When I have good will, I assume that either I've heard them wrong or they've said something in a way they didn't intend. (And you know we've all done this). I then give them an opportunity to restate that thought. This usually results in a good result because they never intended to hurt me in the first place. If it's still offensive, I can tell them so and ask them what is going on that they would say that. I have found this almost always leads to an apology or a necessary conversation to resolve an issue.

On rare occasions, the person has real issues and is willfully causing damage. Notice what Paul wrote in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."The implication here is that sometimes it's just not possible. It's hard to hug a porcupine, you get hurt every time. Sometimes avoidance is necessary.


Admit When You Are Wrong
When we admit our mistakes it gives others permission and courage to admit theirs. I know people who make it a policy never to admit they are wrong. I don't know who they are trying to fool. They don't even look like Jesus! When we admit our mistakes we become more likeable and more approachable, especially as leaders. Far from being a sign of weakness, I believe it's a sign of strength. Shock your wife and children, apologize! It will do you all a world of good.



Submit Your Relationships To God
This may be a new idea to some of you but it sure has worked for me. Jesus spoke so much about relationships that we know that it matters to God. His desire is that we love each other, in fact, the New Testament is full of the "one anothers" - love one another, forgive one another, be kind to one another, encourage one another, etc... It also says to pray one for another. I have found that it is very difficult to stay angry with someone when I'm praying for them. As a Christian, if you can't pray for someone, you have major issues. Deal with them.

Build Bridges Instead of Walls
We are always responsible for our own behavior. We might be dealing with a difficult person, but that doesn't give us permission to act childishly in response. Another Biblical truth is this: "a soft answer turns away wrath." While, obviously proverbial, I have found this to be true in most cases. It takes two to fight, and if you don't take offense you may actually win a friend. Who has offended you? Extend a hand. Bake a pie. Buy a coffee or simply say "hello." One final piece of advice: when you're having relationship issues with someone, don't post it on Facebook!

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"Take Out The Trash" - The Principle of Transformation

This is a reprint of an article that appeared first in August of 2011. I hope you find it helpful.

Part 2 of 6
This series is based on the last chapter of the book “Good to Great in God’s Eyes” by Chip Ingram. The first subject dealt with the principle of priority – “Put God First.” We looked at the reasons why God has to be at the center of any meaningful change in our lives.

Today I'm writing about taking out the trash, or the principle of transformation. How is it that we can be changed from the person that we’ve been into the person we want to be? Is change even possible? Many people would say that it’s not. You are who you are and you’re stuck with it.

What is it that makes us what we are, anyway? Is it genes? Is it our upbringing? Is it the experiences we’ve had; the trauma we’ve endured or the examples we’ve seen? The truth is that it’s all of these things and none of these things. All of these have a bearing on the kind of people we’ve become. But I can show you people who’ve been raised in the same home, been through the same things, had the same type of upbringing and yet are radically different. So, what is it?

I believe that much of who we are is based upon what we do with what we’ve experienced, and that is dictated by the way that we think. The principle of transformation comes straight out of Romans 12:2: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” There's a negative command in that verse that literally says to stop being conformed, or molded, to this world. Quit allowing the world system — its ideas, images, and values — to shape who you are. Get the trash out of your life.

This world and its systems have a powerful affect on the way that we think. If we’re not careful, we just gradually absorb messages over time and begin to accept them without thinking about whether or not they’re true. What are the lies that we believe? Many women believe that they have to look like Barbie; that they will never be good enough for someone to love them; or that they’re stupid, or fat and ugly; or that they are worthless or a lousy mother or wife. Many men believe that they will never amount to anything; that they’re a failure; that money or work equal love; that no matter what they do they’re not good enough.

That message might have come from the media or from a family member, from our friends or from a misguided teacher. It probably came from someone who didn’t intend to give you that message, but it’s there just the same. No matter what you do, that message that is recorded in your mind just keeps cropping up, keeping you from moving forward.

It’s not just those personal messages either, there are also truth claims that people accept, without thinking, that have a way of cluttering up our minds and confusing us. These are cultural assumptions that go unchallenged, and often leave us believing a lie. A famous Canadian example is the unimpeachable value of tolerance. Now I’m all for tolerance, by the original definition. What it used to mean was that you tolerated people who were different from you and allowed them to practice their beliefs in freedom. But what it’s grown to mean in today’s culture is quite different. Today any questioning of the truth claims of another person or religion makes you intolerant. A fall-out from that is that a great many people have lost the ability to think critically; to use reason. One of the lies I hear repeated often is that all religions are basically the same. That is not even close to being a true statement, but many accept it as fact.

So what are we to do with the messages in our minds that don’t belong; that are actually harmful? How do we change this? The first thing we need to do is to stop allowing the wrong sources to program our thinking. It’s the first rule of holes: when you’re in one – stop digging.

The second thing we need to do is to replace the lies with the truth. In 1 Corinthians 13:11 Paul says, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” In the Greek, it’s far more expressive. It basically says that he abolished and did away with the childish thinking.

In a modern analogy, it’s like going through all of the old files on your computer and getting rid of the unnecessary ones that you never use anymore. There are some files that just take up space and slow the system down. There are others that can actually be harmful, like viruses, and the longer you allow them to hang around, the more damage they cause you. They can sometimes make the whole system crash. GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out).

A lot of people can identify the thinking that has gotten them messed up, but don’t know how to change it. In the second part of Romans 12:2 Paul tells us how. Remember, the first part is a negative command, basically to stop allowing the world to force you into its mold.

That's followed by a positive command to allow God's Word to renew and transform you — to cause a metamorphosis, the same word used for the transfiguration of Jesus. Grammatically, this command is in the passive voice; God does it, but we allow it. We let our minds be transformed from the inside out so we can be people who prove and experience the will of God. Our lifestyle begins to demonstrate God's will — that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Chip Ingram shares a story that illustrates the reality in far too many lives: "In my first pastorate in Kaufman, Texas, an older man who looked like he'd been through a lot came to church. His shirt was dirty, he looked and smelled like he hadn't taken a bath in six months, and he was hungry. We gave him some food, and the next week he brought his wife, who was in just as bad a condition as he was. After the service, they said they needed some money for electricity and other necessities."

"The church had a fund to help people, so I offered to go out to their house and visit. Theresa and I drove out in the country and found a house that didn't look very bad at all. A couple of horses and about five or six dogs in the yard all looked pretty healthy. But when we entered the house, I almost threw up from the stench. Garbage was on the floor, a container of something that had spoiled was left open, and cans of cat food for the nineteen cats running around the kitchen were spread out everywhere. The shades were pulled down, and he, his wife, and a very elderly woman sat in near darkness. I wondered how they could tolerate such nasty conditions, but when people live around trash long enough, they get accustomed to it. It starts to seem normal. We get used to a nauseating stench if we breathe it long enough."

I find that there are a lot of people like this. The mess that they're in has become "home." They know, at least on some level, that it's not good, but they have been there for so long that the possibility of change is foreign to them. God specializes in changing lives and giving fresh starts. He's prescribed clear directions for us - "be transformed by the renewing of (our) minds."

The first step on almost anyone's list is to admit that we have a problem. Once we understand that and identify the lie that we've been believing, we need to counteract it with the truth. It was Jesus, who said in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Here's a sensitive question - what is it in your life that needs to change? What are the habits, lies, and attitudes that you need to take to the curb? There may be more at stake than you realize. For some, the decisions you make can not only improve your life, but the lives of those around you. Some lies (and some sins) are generational. Someone started it, and someone needs to end it. Let that someone be you.

As J. Michael Straczynski said, “People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.”

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How to Choose to Not Be Offended

This is a guest post by Dr. Jeremy Statton.

Has anyone ever offended you?

Reasons to find offense surround us. Bosses. Employees. Presidential candidates. Religions. Kentucky Wildcat fans.

Offense seems to be an obligation. A natural response to someone else. When we see things that we do not like, we feel we have no choice but to become upset. And express it adamantly.

We view our reponse as outside of our hands. We are only reacting to others.

Like most thing, however, offense is really an issue of the self. It has nothing to do with the person who is offending you and everything to do with you.

Yes, some people say and do things that may seem ridiculous to you. But have you ever thought about how you say and do things that are ridiculous to others.

The issue of being offended has to do with how we choose to respond.

In the same way that we choose to be offended, we can also choose to not be offended, which has several advantages.

• We can listen to and understand others better.
• We increase our opportunities to learn.
• We can more easily resolve conflict.
• We grow our ability to influence the world around us.

Once you choose to respond in offense, your ability to make a difference will be negligible. But if you choose to not be offended, then you have taken the first step towards influence.

Making this choice, however, is difficult. Here are five ways to help you change how you respond.

1. Find value in every person. You have to believe that every person in the world has intrinsic value, and then look for it. Understand that their perspective is unique to them, and that is is beneficial. Seek what is helpful instead of being focused on what you find offensive.

Always be asking what they can teach you. Search for what you can learn. You will be amazed at what you find.

2. Learn to listen. Most of us don’t. We listen to people that we agree with because we already like what they are saying. but we rarely listen to anyone else. The only way to understand another person is to hear what they have to say. To listen with the goal of understanding, not arguing.

If someone is offending you, then it is a good time to stop talking and start listening. If nothing else, you are less likely to say something you would regret.

3. Try something new. Like strange food, the reason we don’t like something different is only because we haven’t tried it. Ignorance leads to fear. Fear leads to being offended. Start with something simple like food or a cultural experience. If you feel courageous enough, switch to CNN or Fox News, depending on your political persuasion.

Develop a spirit of courage and adventure. The only way to understand a different perspective is to try it.

4. Apologize. One of the main reasons we are so easily offended is pride. The most humbling thing you can do is apologize when you are wrong. We are all wrong at some point. When it is your turn, do something beneficial about it. Apologize. It will force you to humble yourself and will speak volumes to the other person.

Today, find someone you have offended and apologize to them.

5. Be a friend. Don’t feel that is it your obligation to change people. Being a friend is about loving them where they are. Friends encourage and help. They find what a person needs and then seek to help meet those needs. No strings attached.

The people who are in the best position to influence us, are these true friends.

Being offended is really a selfish way to treat people. It is a response focused not on the other person, but only on ourselves. It is about what we want them to be. It is about our desire to change them.

The only person in this world that you can change is you.

The only way to remove offense from your life is to choose to respond differently.

Are you easily offended? What have you found that helps you choose otherwise?

Help all of us choose better by sharing your ideas in the comments.

This post is written by Dr. Jeremy Statton. He is an orthopedic surgeon and a writer. His blog focuses on encouraging others to live a better story with their lives. You can connect with him on Twitter.

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Why don't you like me?

A lot of people go through life asking this question - why don't they like me? They look at others who are surrounded by friends and who seem to be people magnets and wonder - why can't that be me?

Believe it or not, many studies have been done to determine just exactly what it is that causes us to like someone. You may be surprised by the results. In his book, The Me I Want To Be, John Ortberg shares that "Out of all the causes - physical attractiveness, IQ, ability, personality type - the number one factor that determines whether or not you will like another person is whether or not they like us. If they like you, you will like them. If they don't like you, you will not like them." Of course there are exceptions, but in general this is true. So what are the implications of this?

For one thing, it appears that how we interact with people has a great deal to do with how they treat us. It seems that what Dale Carnegie taught years ago is true. He wrote a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People that was a bestseller for a long time. Here's a quote from that book: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." In light of the studies Ortberg talks about, this seems to be borne out in real life.

The question, then, would seem to be, how can we develop a genuine interest in people? I'm not talking about learning sales techniques in order to fool someone into thinking that you like them. I'm talking about learning how to genuinely be a people person. I think the greatest example of this in history is Jesus Christ.

As we read the Gospels we find that people were drawn to him, and no wonder. He welcomed every encounter with anyone who was genuine. Even with those with whom He disagreed, His goal was to point them towards the truth. He crossed social and cultural boundaries to add value to people who were outcasts. He made world-changers out of people to whom no-one else paid attention. What did He see that others didn't?

Jesus knew that every person He laid eyes on was created in the image of God, and as such, had innate value. It was this principle that the U.S. founding fathers seized on as they stated in the preamble to the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In the context of Jesus' life and actions, He treated each person who came to Him with respect, recognizing their intrinsic value. As Bill Hybels said, “We have never locked eyes with someone that did not matter to God.” Christians, in particular, need to grasp this truth. We may disagree with people, but we don't have to be disagreeable.

It's about your attitude.

You can either see people as assets or enemies. If you view them with suspicion, they will sense that and not be drawn to you. If, however, you're one of those who believes that every stranger is simply a friend you haven't met yet, you will have no shortage of friends. Treat people as you wish to be treated (the Golden Rule). As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great."

Let's look at some good habits to develop if you want to be a people person.

• Smile.

This is so easy to do and makes such a big difference. Have you noticed that a smile is infectious? Try it on the next person you meet. Smile and greet them warmly. Most of the time it is reciprocated. When it's not, let it go.

•  Show genuine interest.

Don't pry - that can be creepy. But allow the other person to tell you something about yourself. Engage in the conversation. One thing I've learned is that everyone has a story, ervone has dreams, and everyone wants to be heard. The problem with many of us is that we're often too busy talking about ourselves to listen. Good listeners are never lonely.

• Remember names. 

This is something I have to work on. I remember when I first came to my current congregation. I met a man in the foyer before the service and we talked for a few minutes. As he left I said, "Goodbye Fred, it was nice meeting you." Now sixteen years later he has still not forgotten that I remembered his name. (I wish I could do that all the time). One method to try is to use the person's name three times in a conversation before you say goodbye. That helps to match the name with the face in your memory bank. There's no sweeter sound to people than their own name.

• Add value to people.

 What can you do to make a difference in the life of the people you meet? Can you connect them with someone? Can you share information with them? Can you buy them a coffee? This afternoon I was in the drive-thru at the coffee shop when I noticed a friend of mine was in the truck behind me. I decided to be nice and buy his coffee. When I pulled up to the window I was surprised to find that the vehicle in front of me had already purchased mine! None of us spent a lot of money, but the kindness brought a smile to all of our faces.

Let me conclude with some helpful quotes on the subject:

• "This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him." - William Lyon Phelps
• "To love a person means to see him as God intended him to be." - Fyodor Dostoyevski
• "The most useful person in the world today is the man or woman who knows how to get along with other people. Human relations is the most important science in living." - Stanley C. Allyn
• "You have two choices: You can act as though you tolerate people, or you can appreciate people. Those who appreciate people are going to make others more comfortable." - Roger Ailes
• "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

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Made For Relationship

Have you ever wanted to resign from the human race? Have you been disappointed, hurt, betrayed just one time too many and said to yourself, "Enough is enough!?" Join the crowd.

I think we've all been there from time to time in our lives because, the truth is, relationships are hard. They're also very much worth it. This is not just my opinion, (even though I'm sure that's good enough for you). The facts back me up on this.

I've been reading a great book by John Ortberg called The Me I Want To Be. In that book he quotes some interesting factoids. Social researcher Robert Putnam is quoted as saying that "The single most common finding from a half-century's research on life satisfaction, not only from the U.S. but around the world, is that happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of one's social connections."

This confirms something that I've learned from observation, people who have good, healthy relationships are generally happier and even physically healthier than their lonely counterparts. The reality is that we need each other.

We can define success in many different ways, but researchers at The Journal of Happiness Studies (I'm not making this up) have found that one factor consistently separates quite happy people from less happy people. It's not money, health, security, attractiveness, IQ, or career success. As Ortberg says, "What distinguishes consistently happier people  from less happy people is the presence of rich, deep, joy-producing, life-changing, meaningful relationships."

That being said, how are your relationships?

The sad truth is that most men will only have one or two close personal friends in their lifetime - if at all. Many men live their entire lives without having anyone with whom they can disclose their deepest hurts or greatest victories. Women, on the other hand, tend to be much more relational.

I think Henry David Thoreau had a most insightful moment when he said: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." The question is, does it have to be this way? I think not.

One of the growing observations in my ministry is this: God has called us to community. He came to redeem and to restore. Part of that restoration involves community. Jesus consistently called us to love one another, and to make loving relationships a priority in our lives. It begins with having a restored relationship with God, from whom we receive what we need to live in relationship. The New Testament is full of "one anothers." We're called to "bear one another's burdens," "forgive each other," "confess our faults one to another," and many more.

It is the moving from surface relationships to true connectedness that is the challenge. Ortberg is right when he says "Connectedness is not the same thing as knowing many people. People may have many contacts in many networks, but they may not have any friends."

There is a risk involved in this, of course. People are people, and they will let you down. But learning to forgive and try again is all a part of personal growth. The option is isolation - and that is not a good option.

There are some amazing facts out there in relation to the power of relationships. Ortberg states that "People who are socially disconnected are between two and five times more likely to die from any cause than those who have close ties to family, friends, and other relationships. People who have bad health habits like cigarette smoking, overeating, elevated blood pressure, and physical inactivity - but who still remain connected - live longer than people who have great health habits but are disconnected."

So how do we build those healthy relationships?

Look up. Start with God. All worthwhile change begins with God. If this relationship is broken, nothing else will work. When Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment in the Law He immediately replied: “'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

Look around. Find those "life-givers" who are around you. Who is it that encourages you? Who loves you and wants the best for you? Who is there for you even after you blow it? Strengthen these relationships.

Look within. Be honest with yourself. Many people have never been still long enough to look at their own lives, their dreams, their fears, their hurts, their passions. We are to deal with the baggage if we are to realize our potential. All of this is best done in community.

Look out. Once you have found what you need, look for someone else who is in need of community. There is no shortage of people who have been deprived of healthy meaningful relationships. You can be part of the solution - believe in somebody. As Emily Kimbrough said, "We all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."

Let me end with a quote from Proverbs 18:1 (The Message): "Loners who care only for themselves spit on the common good."

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The Power of Encouragement

We can probably all list a few people in our lives who have that great quality of being encouragers. They are the ones who we are always glad to see when they walk in the door. On the other hand are the discouragers - those who can suck the life right out of a room. We would all like to be encouragers, but just how is that done?

Start with a positive attitude.
Attitude is a choice. Many people don't believe it, but it's true. You can be a glass half full or a glass half empty kind of person. It's up to you. You may have been raised in a negative environment, but you can learn how to look at the world differently. How does that happen?

• Make peace with God.

This is the beginning point. If you and God aren't getting along there's a very good reason you're miserable. We were created for relationship, and the very first relationship we were created for was the one we should have with God Himself. He has provided all that we need for peace with God through Jesus Christ. It's a gift; it can't be earned. Peace with God is the first key to good relationships with others.

• Control your thought life.

Our minds are very much like computers, what goes in is what comes out. Read positive books, listen to uplifting music; as far as possible be around positive people. You will gradually find that your attitude towards life will take a turn for the better.

Practice good will.
Good will is really a commitment to giving other people the benefit of the doubt. We all look at people in one of two ways: either they are friends or enemies. Generally, we also find what we're looking for. If you approach someone assuming that their motives are wrong, it is highly unlikely that we will find a friend. On the other hand, if we assume the best about people until proven otherwise we're likely to be rewarded with good will in return.

Look for the good in people.
Everyone has good qualities, even if they are harder to find in some people than in others. Choose to look for the good in people - and mention it. How do you feel when others speak well of you? Doesn't it make you want to do even better? We all like to get a pat on the back, and we all tend to flourish in a positive environment. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be." 

Practice doing the little things.
It doesn't take much to make a big difference. So often when we think about making changes in our lives we make it a huge daunting challenge. Start small. Smile at everyone you meet; you'll find that it's contagious. More often than not your smile will be returned. Make a commitment that with everyone you talk to today you will make one positive comment. Find something that is deserving of a comment - and say it. Tell the person serving your coffee that they're doing a good job. As Mother Teresa said: “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Write one encouraging note to someone. Finding a note like this can make all the difference in the world, and may turn someone's day around.

Be others centered.
If you want to be an encourager, spend some time investing in another person. Ask them about their day; their life and their family. Focusing on them will help them to feel important, and everyone needs that. One of the best things we can do for ourselves when we're feeling down is to care for someone else.

Look for good examples.


Albert Schweitzer

Who are the people who have encouraged you? What is it about them that stands out? Emulate those qualities. You can become a person that people want to be around. I've included some quotes that speak eloquently to the power of encouragement. We may not be able to change the world, but we can change our corner of it.
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer



Booker T. Washington

"Correction does much, but encouragement does more." ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 
"There are high spots in all of our lives and most of them have come about through encouragement from someone else. I don't care how great, how famous or successful a man or woman may be, each hungers for applause." ~ George Matthew Adams

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." - Booker T. Washington

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