Remembering Teunis (Tony) denBok

Today my father would have turned 80! It's hard to believe that he's been gone almost 18 years. I'm not normally one to remember dates, but this one I've been thinking about for a few days - not sure why. This blog post is likely irrelevant for almost everyone else, but I'll write it anyway.

There's an old chair that now sits in my mother's basement. It's been there pretty much since my Dad passed away and we found Mom the little house where she now lives. To most people it's just an old ugly chair, but to me it's a connection to my father. I remember him sitting in it reading the newspaper and watching the news until he fell asleep after supper. I would sit on the arm of the chair and we'd watch the Leafs lose, always hoping for better days (See picture above).

Some of my memories of Dad are starting to fade, and it bothers me, but I guess that comes with the passing of time. For years after he passed away I would see someone walking down the street wearing a fedora and look to see if it was him. I would see someone driving his make and model of car and do the same thing, feeling a twinge of sadness when I remembered that it couldn't be him after all. So today I'm writing down some of those memories I still have for my own sake.

I have my Dad's golf clubs - they worked better for him. He taught me how to play. I could outdrive him as long as I can remember, but his shots, though short, were usually straight. Mine went everywhere. I was still using those clubs until a couple of years ago. I took a swing with the driver and the end snapped off and flew down the fairway. It's shocking how bad that felt, I guess because I lost another piece of him.

My Dad was the kind of guy that everyone loved. He was usually happy and was a people person. He genuinely loved to help people. He called bingo at the Leisure Time Club in Collingwood where he was a volunteer. He served with the Lions for a while and the Kiwanis Club. I would go with him sometimes and we would sing for the Seniors in Sunset Manor.

He loved to sing. I remember songs like "Yellow Bird," sung with his Dutch accent and humming in the parts where he would inevitably forget the words. The little bit of Dutch that I know came from the Dutch songs that he and I would sing together from Heintje or Vader Abraham, like this one I just found on youtube!!! Bedankt Lieve Ouders. He would always laugh when I mispronounced the words.

He got me my first job - with Don Hawkey Construction - and his advice to me was to work hard and not stop until the job was done. It's good advice still today. He drove me to college all the way in Tennessee and my sister, Laurie, tells me he almost turned around and went back to get me. He and my mother did without a lot for me to stay in school. I don't think I ever said thanks.

I remember how he was with my kids. My oldest, Tony, was his namesake, and he would love to take him to get his hair cut. The only time I remember seeing my father cry was when he said goodbye to Tony as we were moving to Florida. He hugged him, told him he loved him and placed him in the car, then walked away wiping the tears away so we wouldn't see. But we saw, and it made me love him more. I'm still looking for the picture of Dad with my youngest son, Micah. It's the only one we have (he died the year Micah was born) and I can't find it anywhere.

My Dad wasn't good with expressing his feelings (something about being Dutch, I think). Over the years I've grown to understand him more, I believe. He was certainly not perfect, but he was my father, and I always loved him.

It's times like this when I'm so glad that there is a heaven. I look forward to having the conversations that we never got to have while he was alive. The yearning in my heart for that reunion is evidence to me that there will be one. As C.S. Lewis so aptly said it: “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

I sang a song at his funeral called "We Believe." A lot of people still comment on it, probably because of the emotion I was feeling as I sang it. I was singing from my heart because it was and is what I truly believe. I do look forward to that day, but until then I'll continue to do my best, believing that he's proud of me. I think there's a longing in every son's heart for the approval of his father. I want to be sure that my sons know how proud I am of the men they've become and are becoming. And I don't ever want to forget my Dad. "'Til we meet again."

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Book Review: "The Book of Man - Readings on the Path to Manhood"

A number of years ago I attended an auction where I successfully bid for a box of old books. When I got home I found among them a book called "The Sunday Reader at Home" from 1896. The book was a collection of short stories, poems and tales all designed to teach life lessons. As I began reading "The Book of Man" I immediately was drawn to the similarity.

William Bennett served as the Secretary of Education in the U.S. under Ronald Reagan and is a New York Times best-selling author. What I most like about Bennett is that he writes with a purpose. While I got this book from the publisher for free in return for a book review, I would have purchased it nonetheless. It is written in response to the crisis of manhood in our culture. As he quotes David Brooks as saying in his introduction: "One-fifth of all men in their prime working ages are not getting up and going to work."

Probably more telling are his own words: "There was once a common understanding in our society among men that there are standards of action and behavior to which men should hold themselves. Men, the code dictates, among other things, keep their word, whether in writing or not, men do not take advantage of women, men support their children, and men watch their language, especially around women and children. The code of men is fading."

This book is written to provide a tool with which to instill these positive values into the lives of their own children. I wish I had found this when my children were younger - it would have made my life so much easier. Many will find parts of this book challenging due to its content (some stories are ancient tales), but it's good to be stretched. The short readings are broken down into six different areas of life, and are aimed at calling out the very best in the masculine soul.

Part 1 is called Man in War. This is not to promote war or violence as an answer, but to recognize that there are times when a man needs to take a stand and risk his own welfare for the sake of those he loves. This includes the famous St. Crispin's Day Speech by Shakespeare, a poem by Wordsworth, a piece by Winston Churchill and profiles from modern-day men of honour.

Part 2 is titled Man at Work. It is designed to teach once again the value of hard work, which in large part has been lost in our culture. As Bennett quotes Roosevelt as saying, "Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing." This section opens with the story of a "proud sanitation worker" and ends with "Pensees" by Blaise Pascal. In between you'll find a tremendous variety of great readings.

Part 3 is called Man in Play, Sports, and Leisure. It is a call for men to recreate responsibly, moving away from the modern toys which tend to turn off both body and mind. It speaks of the pursuit of excellence in all that we do, beginning with the story of "Pistol" Pete Maravich, one of the NBA's all-time greats. There are sections from Tolstoy, Lincoln, and Francis Bacon as well as pieces by and about many more current personalities.

Part 4 is Man in the Polis. This refers to the need for men to take their part in the body politic, whether that means government service or simply being a responsible member of society. As Edmund Burke wrote, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." This chapter is aimed at preventing that eventuality. It includes interesting pieces like a speech given by David (Davey) Crockett before the U.S. House of Representatives. It also features pieces by luminaries like Kennedy, Chesterton, Reagan and Washington. Well worth the read.

Part 5 is about Man with Women and Children. The lessons in this section are sorely needed today as "men are missing from the lives of women and children today in increasing numbers." Men need to learn values of respect, devotion, loyalty and compassion, all of which are seen in these stories. The articles, whether by Yeats, Dickens or Thomas Jefferson, all seek to call out the best of man in support of their family. Add to this the modern profiles and we see how this can still be lived out today.

Part 6 concludes the book with Man in Prayer and Reflection. Bennett states that "the true root of a man's existence is his ability to think and reflect." Part of the problem in our modern culture is that many seem to have lost the capacity or the will to do this. The result is many men who are governed by appetite rather than reason. This section includes glimpses into the spiritual lives of many of the greatest men in world history, including many of the U.S. Presidents and church leaders like Billy Graham and Charles Spurgeon.

This book is not one that you just sit down and read. It is designed to be read, one story at a time, when there is time for reflection and conversation between father and son. As I said earlier, I wish this was available when my children were younger. I highly recommend this for all of you fathers out there.

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Video - Regrets of a Father

I found this video on-line that I wanted to share. It speaks for itself of the pain and regret that many fathers feel who have chosen abortion. This clearly and painfully illustrates one of the biggest social issues of our time.