If I Had It To Do Over Again...

I officiated at a funeral this morning, and I'm in the process of preparing for another funeral to take place this coming Saturday for a long-time friend and member of my congregation. As a pastor, I have the privilege of being with people as they near the end of their earthly lives. It's a sacred time; often a time when a light of clarity is shone on what is and is not important. I found it timely that I came across an article talking about this very subject this week.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

What I'd like to do is take her top five observations and build on them. Ware writes that there were several common themes which surfaced again and again. Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Ware says that this was the most common regret of all. Many people realized near the end of their lives that they had spent most of their time trying to please others, or fulfilling the expectations of others.

Without a clear picture of who we are and why we are here, all of us tend to go in the path of least resistance, whether that is wasting our lives or sliding into a role laid out for us by others. I've found that there's great freedom when we understand that God created each and every one of us on purpose and endowed each of us with gifts, talents and abilities. It is when we can align ourselves with God's purposes for our lives that we can find ultimate fulfillment.

I'm reminded of the movie "Chariots of Fire," where Eric Liddell, the British Olympic runner, was having a confrontation with his sister. They were devout Christians and Liddell was planning on being a missionary to China. He put that on hold in order to compete for Great Britain in the 1924 Olympics. His sister disagreed with him and felt that he was wasting his time and failing God. Liddell's reply was insightful: "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." What is it that you do that makes you feel like that?   

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
Ware wrote: "This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship." This regret, I believe, comes from the compartmentalization that we have allowed in our world. We've separated work, family, faith, leisure, etc... and as a result work has become something that we have to do in order to "get" to do the rest. Witness the whole "Freedom 55" campaign as evidence of this. We've come to believe that work is a necessary evil.

We must work, and since we have to, we feel we need to get what we can, when we can. This often results in living unbalanced lives, where family is neglected and opportunities are missed. But in God's economy, we understand that healthy work is a part of God's plan for our lives. Looking back at the last paragraph of the previous point, it's about finding what we were meant to do. When our activities match up with God's design for us, fulfillment is the result.

The second part of the equation is maintaining proper priorities and balance. We were not designed to work all the time; neither were we designed to be without work for extended periods of time. In his book, "Choosing to Cheat," Andy Stanley speaks of making the choices to give quality time to our families and our God. It leads to a lot less regret.   

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
In her book, Ware writes that "Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result." Many would interpret this as an invitation to "let 'er rip" on anyone who gets in your path. But that is equally unhealthy.

Good emotional health results partly from a sense of wholeness, of being true to yourself. Learning healthy communication skills ought to be a prerequisite for entering adulthood. The Bible gives great advice when it says to "speak the truth in love." (Ephesians 4:15) It also teaches us how to avoid the pitfalls of bitterness - by developing the disciplines of forgiveness (Romans 12:9-21) and prayer (Philippians 4:6-7).
 
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Ware shares that "There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying." This speaks to, what I believe, is one of our societies biggest problems: the loss of community. With our highly mobile, busy lifestyles, it takes real effort to maintain healthy relationships with friends.

It will be interesting to see whether the newest technology  - twitter, Facebook, etc... will actually have the long-term affect of bringing us together or pushing us further apart. I have been able to renew acquaintances with long-lost friends over the internet, but has it been at the expense of other relationships that could be more rewarding? The bottom line is that we should hold each other more closely. Real friends are hard to come by.  

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Finally, Bronnie writes that "This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

It speaks again of expectations: of trying to be what others expect you to be. I find this is true particularly of certain personality types. Phlegmatics, for example, are much more likely to "go with the flow" and not bother to express their opinion. They genuinely like to get along and feel good about deferring to others. However, the downfall often comes later when they wake up one day with a house they don't like, driving a car they didn't choose, living a life they hadn't envisioned for themselves. It's okay to say what you want! Just do it respectfully. This is also a reminder to all of us to be sure to include others in the decision-making process.

When we have a proper view of God we can place everything else in its proper context. Jesus said "I have come that you might have life, and have it to the full." The Bible speaks often of the joy-filled life. What do you really want out of life?

Interestingly, sociologist Tony Campolo recounts another survey - this one of octogenarians - who were asked "If you had life to live over again, what would you do differently?" Their top 3 answers were similar to those above. They said: 

• They would risk more.
• They would reflect more.
• They would do more things that would live on after they were dead.

Similar answers, but slightly different. I think the bottom line for all of these is that we need to be living our lives with a view to its brevity. Life passes quickly, and we need to remember that one day, it will be someone else planning our funeral. What do we want said of us? How can we live a life that is fulfilling? How can we make the most of the time that we have?

I think each of those questions leads us back to our relationship with God. When Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment in the law (in other words, what is most important) He replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-39) Love God and love people. Sounds like a recipe for a great life. Try it, you might like it!


Related Articles:
Does Your Life Make Sense?
Life Lessons From A Fellow Traveler
More Life Lessons From A Fellow Traveler
Divine Appointments
What have you got to lose?

 

Unsung Heroes - Ralph Edmund

Here is the second article in my series on unsung heroes. These are people whose stories need to be heard. They are making a difference where they are, often under very difficult circumstances.

Ralph Edmund was born into privilige in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. That is a rare thing indeed, but rarer still is the fact that Ralph, with opportunity to live in luxury in North America, has chosen to give his life in changing the country he loves for the better. After High School in Haiti, Ralph graduated magna cum laude from Baruch College in New York and returned to his native Haiti to develop a homegrown pharmaceutical company.

Farmatrix started with $2,000 in funding and 3 employees. At the time of the earthquake in 2010 the company had over 80 employees and grossed over $2 million. What is most remarkable about Ralph and his partner Alain Vincent is the way they do business. They determined from the beginning that they would not participate in the common Haitian practices of paying bribes, cheating on taxes, etc... As Christians, they would build their business "the right way." The result has been remarkable.

However, being successful in Haiti carried with it some very real dangers. Gangs are rampant, and prey on people of means. Kidnapping, robberies, even murder are common occurrences. Ralph's life has been in jeopardy numerous times. On one occasion, while stopped at a busy intersection, a man with a 9 mm gun ran toward his car and began firing. Four bullets went into the car, one almost hit his spine and his chaffeur was hit and almost killed. On different occasions both his sister and sister-in-law were kidnapped and held for ransom. Their families have since left Haiti, yet Ralph stays.

With Ernso Jean-Louis and Sylvie Theard, successful Christian entrepeneurs, Ralph established Haiti Partners for Christian Development, a branch of Partners Worldwide. Their goal is to connect rich and poor through mentoring partnerships. Ralph has worked in some of the toughest areas of Port-au-Prince, promoting dialogue between gang members, businesspeople and political leaders. He also spends time mentoring young entrepeneurs, amid the constant challenges.

When asked what keeps him in Haiti he responds, "I am building things... I have hope." He also said, "I don't want to run from the problem - I want to be part of resolving it. Even though I may have only 10 businesspeople who will stand with me, we will stand together as part of the solution for Haiti."

Why would we call Ralph heroic? Because he willingly places himself at risk for the sake of creating positive change in his country. No-one would blame him for leaving; for finding safer environs and building a personal fortune. Even after the 2010 earthquake damaged his factory, Ralph chose to stay and has rebuilt. He has larger goals in mind. "My interest is the time we spend sharing our lives, so that we can build a community together. Then if that community becomes a healthy and strong country, that is up to God." This is how God's kingdom is built - one person at a time.

Learn more about Ralph Edmond and business development in Haiti in the book My Business, My Mission: Fighting Poverty Through Partnerships by Doug Seebeck and Timothy Stoner.

Related Articles:
The Great Paradox
Unsung Heroes - Sandra Tineo
Urban Onramps
Life On The Other Side

What have you got to lose?

Most of you who read this know that I'm a pastor. That really doesn't matter all that much except for how that changes the perception of some. At that news, all of a sudden, I shouldn't be a real human being and I certainly don't understand what life is like in the real world. But au contraire!

Before I was a pastor I was a rebellious teenager. I did a lot of those things that seemed to be so much fun. I did the party scene, played the part, hung out with the people who were at the center of all of the activity. I've got to say, I found it all so empty. From my discussions with a lot of other people either still involved or who have left that scene, many others have had the same experience.

Recently I was in contact with someone on facebook who had finally gotten to the point where they knew that they just had to make a change. They had spent years up to this point having "fun" and realized it wasn't fun at all, it was miserable. They had wasted their time, money and energy and had nothing but a headache, broken relationships and an empty bank account to show for it. But here's something to think about: what if?

What if....
.......there really is a God who created you?
.......true happiness is really found in a relationship with Him?
.......God really loves you and actually wants the best for you?
.......God has a purpose for your life that will actually fulfill you?
.......the Bible really is true?
.......you knew that God could help you to reach your potential?
.......God could actually help you find a way out of the mess you've made?
.......you could actually be forgiven for all the wrong things you've done?
.......you could help your (future) children not to make the same mistakes you have made?
.......being a Christian could be exciting and exhilarating?

I've found that all of those things - and more - are possible. I know there is a brand of Christianity that is not like anything you'd want - but Jesus Christ is real and alive and calling us to live lives that have purpose and meaning. His Way is passionate and exciting and dangerous, and, best of all, it's true.

Here's my challenge to you: try it! Explore the claims of Christianity. Ask the questions. Visit some churches until you find one that's alive. Find a Christian who actually knows Jesus. Read the New Testament - try the Message or the New International Version (modern translations) and let God speak to you through them. What have you got to lose?