End Bullying

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Who came up with that? Almost everyone I know bears the invisible scars of the words of someone from their past, words that lodge themselves deep in the psyche and hurt again and again.

Over the past few months we have been inundated with stories about children being bullied. In the Fall of 2012 it was Amanda Todd of Coquitlam, B.C. who committed suicide after posting a video on you-tube telling her story (Posted below). In my work with people I often hear stories of bullying experiences, sometimes many years old, that have damaged self-esteem and, in some cases, lead to suicide.


 

Schools and governments have been trying to find ways to eliminate bullying, often by focusing on self-esteem or support groups such as the Gay-straight alliance imposed upon Ontario schools by the Ontario government. The challenge is to start enough support groups for each category of person who is bullied. It can't be done.


The sad truth is that there will always be bullies - people who feel better about themselves by inflicting pain on others. I was smaller in High School and was beaten up by some older kids. Others are picked on because of their weight, clothes, haircut, disability, religion; some of them even by teachers.

While this problem will likely never be eradicated, each of us can begin now to make a difference. I think this is where the journey begins. When I decide that I won't let someone be bullied around me, I make a difference. When we choose to reach out to someone who has been marginalized, we make a difference. When we build inclusive communities where everyone is welcome, and no-one is excluded, we make a difference. When we take our negative experiences, and use them to help others, we make a difference. That's what Shane Koyczan did. Watch his video below and share it. I'm sure it will help a lot of people. Be a part of the solution, not the problem.



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I read a very disturbing story this morning of an 11 year old boy who committed suicide after being bullied. I'll let you read the article yourself rather than regurgitate it all here. But the story raises, once again, the subject of bullying and what can be done.

I was one of the lucky ones. Though I was a smaller kid, and did get beat up once in high school, I was blessed with friends who were bigger than I was and I was somewhat athletic. I tended to hang around with those people because it was not good to be a loner in school.

I remember seeing different kids in my neighborhood get picked on because they couldn't fight back. They would have their books knocked out of their hands, or have snow balls thrown at them or be forced to endure demeaning taunting. I'd like to say that I stood up to the bullies and forced them to change their ways through my powers of persuasion, but the truth is, I usually tried to avoid the situation, even feeling relieved that it wasn't me.

I remember the fear that I felt when I would turn a corner and see those bullies, not knowing if I would be their next target. I cannot imagine what it was like for those for whom this was a daily occurrence. I have had family members and friends bullied and I've seen the pain and even shame in their eyes. It's a very helpless feeling and it's so hard to know what to do.

Looking back from adulthood I think I can see with a lot more clarity some of the reasons that people bully. The bullies I knew usually had horrible self-esteem issues themselves. They came from homes where they were neglected and often abused. I'm not looking to excuse this behavior, but rather to see some of the reasons behind it.

We're all social creatures. We were created for community, and much of our lives are spent trying to find our place within society. It's human nature to want to belong, and all of us know what it's like to walk into a room and immediately begin to scope the crowd for where we might feel welcome - and conversely, where we're pretty sure we won't be. Even as an adult, there are times when I've walked into settings and got that horrible, sinking feeling that I did not "belong."

One easy way for kids to move up in the social order is to pull others down - make someone else the target so that we are not targeted ourselves -almost a pre-emptive strike, if you like. It doesn't only happen with individuals, but with people groups as well. Look at the history of immigration in this country for an example. At different times in our nation's history derogatory terms were hurled at the Irish, the Chinese, Ethiopians, Pakistanis, Arabs, and many others. There is a stigma attached to not fitting in. This has been the case throughout human history.

All of this makes the words and actions of Jesus remarkable. If you want to see an effective pattern for inclusivity, look at what Jesus modelled. In a culture with clearly divided lines of status, Jesus broke all kinds of cultural barriers. At a time when children and women were considered second-class citizens, Jesus gave priority and validity to both. He also declared that, for anyone who wanted to be a part of what he was doing, they needed to accept people the same way. (Luke 18:15-17)

In another story we see Jesus reaching out across cultures and social boundaries. In a time when respectable Jews would not travel through Samaria because the people there were seen to be unclean half-breeds, Jesus purposefully travelled through. He stopped at a well and sent his disciples into town to find lunch (and probably to keep them from getting in his way). A woman came to get water. She came at a time when she knew the other women wouldn't be there. Her reputation wasn't the best and she likely wasn't up to hearing the gossip and put-downs. Jesus, knowing her reputation and knowing her Samaritan roots, engaged her in a conversation anyway (John 4). She became the first Samaritan evangelist, immediately calling all of her fellow villagers to come and see this extra-ordinary man.

The church which Jesus began has a call to be just such an inclusive community, and it is to our shame that we haven't always lived up to the high standard set for us. The Apostle Paul, writing in Galatians 3:28, said "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." No matter who you are, no matter where you've been or what you've done, the message of the Gospel is that you can find a home and family in the church. I've seen it happen and it's a beautiful thing.

It is this kind of acceptance that needs to be modeled in our schools and elsewhere. We are all valuable because we are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). We can love one another because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). Because we are secure in our identity as God's children, we do not feel the compulsion to drag others down, but instead we can build one another up (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

This is the kind of community we strive to build with church. We all need to feel like we belong because God made us for community. What are you doing to build community? When was the last time you reached out to someone who was not in your circle? Chances are, most people you meet are facing a challenge of some sort or another. Do your best to greet them with a smile and an open heart. You never know, you may be saving a life.

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Life As A Teenager

I'm building, today, on an article from Lovell/Fairchild Communications by Monique Zondag dealing with the pressures that today's teenagers face in High School. While this is based on the American experience, having worked with teens I can safely say that the pressures are very similar.

Teen Expert Andy Braner on What’s Being Taught Outside the Classroom

“Parents have no clue what’s going on in the hallways of the high school,” said Andy Braner, founder and operator of KIVU, a Christian camp near Durango, Colo.; an international speaker talking to 80,000 teens each year; and author of the recently released An Expose on Teens, Sex and Dating: What’s Really Going on and How to Talk About It.

“The number one issue, without a doubt, is that kids are walking through high school, church and home, and they feel alone, as if no one cares about them. They feel worthless,” Braner said. “The veneer, how the loneliness shows itself, is in teen sexuality, a way to feel as if they do have attention, worth — and they’re bombarded with sex at every turn.”

Braner offers this list of 5 key issues confronting teens today whether from their peers, the media or society.

Sexuality — More and more teens are falling prey to an uneducated view of their own sexuality, Braner said. They are relentlessly pressured to fit in and often compromise their values to do so. Evidence? Check the language they're using online, Braner advised, it’s often more X-rated than parents know.

Teen Fact: Almost half of high school students have had sexual intercourse with almost 14 percent having four or more partners. (2009, Centers for Disease Control)

Pressure to Perform — Today’s teen is pushed to excel in everything from athletics to academics. Every kid has a gift, Braner said, and sometimes their particular gift doesn't line up with the way society asks them to perform, so they find themselves more and more exhausted trying to be someone they're not.

Teen Fact: Doctors warned of the downside of over-committed teens in 2008, cautioning about living with "pressure-filled intense preparation for a high-achieving adulthood," (“Pediatrics: The Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics,”)


Loneliness — This is the biggest issue kids face today, Braner said. They shape themselves to be someone everyone will find valuable, often compromising everything they know to be true to find friends. Drugs, alcohol and teen issues are a veneer covering the deep hurt teens are dealing with through rejection.

Teen Fact: Over a quarter of teens report underage drinking with more than 17 percent binge drinking. (2009, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)

Hopelessness — Kids don’t have an optimistic view of the future, in part because they see the economy affecting their own families and wonder if there will be opportunity for them when they become adults.

Teen Fact: A quarter of high school students struggle with feelings of hopelessness. (2010, Centers for Disease Control)

Severe Narcissism — Many kids are succumbing to the idea they are the most important part of the universe. Everything exists to please them. From every direction — in the media, through technology, online — kids are being trained to think only about themselves.

Teen Fact: A study showed over 65 percent of teens scoring above average on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, double the percentage of 30 years ago. (Jean Twenge, Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled and More Miserable Than Ever, Free Press, 2006)

What should be parents’ reaction to this reality? Braner said the answer is helping teens develop a deeper understanding of reality. As an example, a distinctive of Camp KIVU, in addition to traditional camp activities such as hiking, backpacking and water sports, is an intentional effort to let teens ask the hard questions about life and faith and begin to develop a biblically based Christian worldview that can withstand the pressures of the hallway.

As for what parents can do, Braner advises that parents who want their kids to have a meaningful faith . . . need to have a meaningful faith. Teens effortlessly sniff out hypocrisy and will run the other way. Additionally, it’s not enough for parents to spend time with kids. They need to spend time effectively, connecting in areas that interest their kids and reinforcing the rules they lay down by having solid relationships behind the rules.

"My goal is to help parents and those working with teenagers walk students through the most confusing time of their lives,” Braner said. “With hormones blazing and sexuality being sold at every single turn, teens need a place where they can ask hard questions — and have some answers.”

In addition to his book, Braner writes a popular blog — Andy Braner Is Re-Imagining the Christian Worldview — where he explores a variety of topics.

Let's look at some of the keys to help teens navigate those difficult High School years.

1. Parental Involvement
Parents need to know and care about what's going on in the life of their teenager. Too many kids are desperate for the attention of their parents. If they don't get it in healthy ways they will get it in other ways. Invest time in your teenager. Set limits and enforce them. Be a parent first and a friend second.

2. Talk
One of the greatest challenges, I believe, is to get people (teenagers included) to think critically. Part of the reason that peer pressure holds such sway over a teenager is the limited perspective many of them have. I remember way back in High School thinking that the friends I had then would be my best friends for life. The reality is that there are very few that I ever saw again. If I had the power to look down the road a few years I would have made some different decisions.

Talk about the issues. Why do you believe what you believe? Learn to defend your worldview so that you can help them to think critically themselves.

3. Build Healthy Community
Everyone longs to belong. If your child doesn't have a healthy place where they can truly feel that they belong, they will gravitate to whoever will accept them. Love them unconditionally. Teach them early to discern and to reach up when choosing close friends. The power of association has a great deal of impact on us. If you want to see into the future, look at what your child is reading and watching, and who they are hanging around with, because that is likely what they will become. Encourage them to get involved with sports, clubs and youth groups that will bring out the best in them and teach them discipline and teamwork. Let them know that you believe in them and cheer them as they try.

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