When It Rains On Your Parade

What do you do when life throws you a curve? Today was "Heritage Day" for our small community here near Georgian Bay. It was also the 140th Anniversary of the town - and we had thunderstorms. The event was cancelled due to bad weather and a meeting will be held to determine whether or not to reschedule.

I'm sure that the organizers of today's parade and all of the festivities are very disappointed; a lot of hard work was put into preparing for this day. It reminded me of times in my life when things just didn't go according to plan, times when I was reminded that I'm not in charge of the world and some things are just outside of my control. So, the question remains, what do you do when the unforeseen happens? This can be anything from an economic downturn, to a natural disaster, to an illness or a car accident.

I'm sure you may have your own list, but let's first look at what not to do.

• Don't panic. I'm sure we've all encountered the "Chicken Little's" of this world who are convinced that whatever has just happened marks the beginning of the end of everything. They are the typical over-reactors, making the situation worse by adding their own anxiety to the mix. 
• Don't blame. It's very easy to resort to the blame game when something goes wrong. "George was in charge of weather, it wasn't my fault!" The truth is, sometimes someone did mess up, but the time to deal with that is not when you're in the middle of a crisis.
• Don't avoid. This is probably the most common mistake that people make. They freeze and find themselves unable to make a decision. You may be able to get away with this if the matter only concerns you, but usually there are others involved.

That's what you shouldn't do - here are some suggestions for what you should do. Feel free to send along your comment if you think of anything I've missed.

• Stay calm. If you need to, get alone and take some deep breaths to clear your head. If you are the leader, people will be looking to you. If you are in a panic, everyone will be. If you're a believer, pray. Remember that while you may be surprised, God isn't.
• Assess the situation. Information is power, so be sure that you have all of the information you need. Gather around you the people who can tell you what you need to know. What are your options? If you're a visual person, write them down. Consider the ramifications of each choice. As Zig Ziglar said: "Every choice you make has an end result."
• Make a decision. At the end of the day, someone has to decide what to do. If you're the leader, that means you. While it is important to analyze the situation, sometimes we can get stuck in what is called the "paralysis of analysis." Weigh your options, consult those you trust, and make your decision.
• Stand by your choice. It might not (likely will not) make everyone happy, but few choices do. When leaders make hard choices, they very quickly find out who their friends are - and who they aren't. Rightly or wrongly, it was your decision to make. Once you've made it, own it.
• Learn from it. Be sure to go back and revisit this once the dust has settled. What did you do right? What did you do wrong? Could this have been avoided? Was this a result of bad planning? What could we have done differently? 
• Maintain a positive attitude. This is a life choice. I read something by Charles Swindoll a long time ago that has stuck with me. I'll share it here with you as I conclude. May the sun shine on your next parade.   

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

"Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

"And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."

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Get Over It

John Donne said that "no man is an island." We all live in community; our lives brush up against others on a daily basis. Even the most introverted among us impacts a group of people, however small. For that reason alone, maintaining healthy relationships is a life skill that none can do without. And perhaps the greatest enemy of relationship is a little thing called offense.

An offense is that thing, be it large or small, that somehow finds its way between people and, unless dealt with, severs whatever bond once existed. I've seen it happen so often that, at times, it becomes almost nauseating. I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, how can we avoid being a casualty to this thing called offense? 

Be Honest With Yourself 
One of the best ways to keep relationships intact is to give up on the illusion of your own perfection. You and I have made mistakes - plenty of them. That fact in itself should help us to extend a little more grace to others. There are days when I have not felt well and have said things I shouldn't have. Without the grace of others, I could have, and likely have, done damage to relationships. There are other times when I, in my stress or fatigue, have taken someone else's words or behavior and willfully took offense, when I knew that was not their intention. These actions are my responsibility; the fault lies with no-one else.

Remember That People Are Just People 
We tend to expect a lot more from others than we do from ourselves. We tend to judge others quickly for what they do or say yet we judge ourselves by our intentions. There is a lot of wisdom in Jesus' words when He said to "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Take a moment and think about what that person may have gone through already, what battle they may be facing. We are all human, subject to illness, fatigue, financial problems, work issues, family challenges, etc... You are not the only one with a sad story.

Practice Good Will
This is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. It has saved me a mountain of grief and kept me from walking away from people I love. Good will is very simply believing the best about a person until being proven otherwise. This works in marriage and family life, workplace relationships and friendships. It's a conscious choice. Here's how it works in real life. Let's say I'm speaking with someone and they say something that could very easily be taken the wrong way.

When I have good will, I assume that either I've heard them wrong or they've said something in a way they didn't intend. (And you know we've all done this). I then give them an opportunity to restate that thought. This usually results in a good result because they never intended to hurt me in the first place. If it's still offensive, I can tell them so and ask them what is going on that they would say that. I have found this almost always leads to an apology or a necessary conversation to resolve an issue.

On rare occasions, the person has real issues and is willfully causing damage. Notice what Paul wrote in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."The implication here is that sometimes it's just not possible. It's hard to hug a porcupine, you get hurt every time. Sometimes avoidance is necessary.


Admit When You Are Wrong
When we admit our mistakes it gives others permission and courage to admit theirs. I know people who make it a policy never to admit they are wrong. I don't know who they are trying to fool. They don't even look like Jesus! When we admit our mistakes we become more likeable and more approachable, especially as leaders. Far from being a sign of weakness, I believe it's a sign of strength. Shock your wife and children, apologize! It will do you all a world of good.



Submit Your Relationships To God
This may be a new idea to some of you but it sure has worked for me. Jesus spoke so much about relationships that we know that it matters to God. His desire is that we love each other, in fact, the New Testament is full of the "one anothers" - love one another, forgive one another, be kind to one another, encourage one another, etc... It also says to pray one for another. I have found that it is very difficult to stay angry with someone when I'm praying for them. As a Christian, if you can't pray for someone, you have major issues. Deal with them.

Build Bridges Instead of Walls
We are always responsible for our own behavior. We might be dealing with a difficult person, but that doesn't give us permission to act childishly in response. Another Biblical truth is this: "a soft answer turns away wrath." While, obviously proverbial, I have found this to be true in most cases. It takes two to fight, and if you don't take offense you may actually win a friend. Who has offended you? Extend a hand. Bake a pie. Buy a coffee or simply say "hello." One final piece of advice: when you're having relationship issues with someone, don't post it on Facebook!

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How to Choose to Not Be Offended




 

How to Choose to Not Be Offended

This is a guest post by Dr. Jeremy Statton.

Has anyone ever offended you?

Reasons to find offense surround us. Bosses. Employees. Presidential candidates. Religions. Kentucky Wildcat fans.

Offense seems to be an obligation. A natural response to someone else. When we see things that we do not like, we feel we have no choice but to become upset. And express it adamantly.

We view our reponse as outside of our hands. We are only reacting to others.

Like most thing, however, offense is really an issue of the self. It has nothing to do with the person who is offending you and everything to do with you.

Yes, some people say and do things that may seem ridiculous to you. But have you ever thought about how you say and do things that are ridiculous to others.

The issue of being offended has to do with how we choose to respond.

In the same way that we choose to be offended, we can also choose to not be offended, which has several advantages.

• We can listen to and understand others better.
• We increase our opportunities to learn.
• We can more easily resolve conflict.
• We grow our ability to influence the world around us.

Once you choose to respond in offense, your ability to make a difference will be negligible. But if you choose to not be offended, then you have taken the first step towards influence.

Making this choice, however, is difficult. Here are five ways to help you change how you respond.

1. Find value in every person. You have to believe that every person in the world has intrinsic value, and then look for it. Understand that their perspective is unique to them, and that is is beneficial. Seek what is helpful instead of being focused on what you find offensive.

Always be asking what they can teach you. Search for what you can learn. You will be amazed at what you find.

2. Learn to listen. Most of us don’t. We listen to people that we agree with because we already like what they are saying. but we rarely listen to anyone else. The only way to understand another person is to hear what they have to say. To listen with the goal of understanding, not arguing.

If someone is offending you, then it is a good time to stop talking and start listening. If nothing else, you are less likely to say something you would regret.

3. Try something new. Like strange food, the reason we don’t like something different is only because we haven’t tried it. Ignorance leads to fear. Fear leads to being offended. Start with something simple like food or a cultural experience. If you feel courageous enough, switch to CNN or Fox News, depending on your political persuasion.

Develop a spirit of courage and adventure. The only way to understand a different perspective is to try it.

4. Apologize. One of the main reasons we are so easily offended is pride. The most humbling thing you can do is apologize when you are wrong. We are all wrong at some point. When it is your turn, do something beneficial about it. Apologize. It will force you to humble yourself and will speak volumes to the other person.

Today, find someone you have offended and apologize to them.

5. Be a friend. Don’t feel that is it your obligation to change people. Being a friend is about loving them where they are. Friends encourage and help. They find what a person needs and then seek to help meet those needs. No strings attached.

The people who are in the best position to influence us, are these true friends.

Being offended is really a selfish way to treat people. It is a response focused not on the other person, but only on ourselves. It is about what we want them to be. It is about our desire to change them.

The only person in this world that you can change is you.

The only way to remove offense from your life is to choose to respond differently.

Are you easily offended? What have you found that helps you choose otherwise?

Help all of us choose better by sharing your ideas in the comments.

This post is written by Dr. Jeremy Statton. He is an orthopedic surgeon and a writer. His blog focuses on encouraging others to live a better story with their lives. You can connect with him on Twitter.

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Why don't you like me?

A lot of people go through life asking this question - why don't they like me? They look at others who are surrounded by friends and who seem to be people magnets and wonder - why can't that be me?

Believe it or not, many studies have been done to determine just exactly what it is that causes us to like someone. You may be surprised by the results. In his book, The Me I Want To Be, John Ortberg shares that "Out of all the causes - physical attractiveness, IQ, ability, personality type - the number one factor that determines whether or not you will like another person is whether or not they like us. If they like you, you will like them. If they don't like you, you will not like them." Of course there are exceptions, but in general this is true. So what are the implications of this?

For one thing, it appears that how we interact with people has a great deal to do with how they treat us. It seems that what Dale Carnegie taught years ago is true. He wrote a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People that was a bestseller for a long time. Here's a quote from that book: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." In light of the studies Ortberg talks about, this seems to be borne out in real life.

The question, then, would seem to be, how can we develop a genuine interest in people? I'm not talking about learning sales techniques in order to fool someone into thinking that you like them. I'm talking about learning how to genuinely be a people person. I think the greatest example of this in history is Jesus Christ.

As we read the Gospels we find that people were drawn to him, and no wonder. He welcomed every encounter with anyone who was genuine. Even with those with whom He disagreed, His goal was to point them towards the truth. He crossed social and cultural boundaries to add value to people who were outcasts. He made world-changers out of people to whom no-one else paid attention. What did He see that others didn't?

Jesus knew that every person He laid eyes on was created in the image of God, and as such, had innate value. It was this principle that the U.S. founding fathers seized on as they stated in the preamble to the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In the context of Jesus' life and actions, He treated each person who came to Him with respect, recognizing their intrinsic value. As Bill Hybels said, “We have never locked eyes with someone that did not matter to God.” Christians, in particular, need to grasp this truth. We may disagree with people, but we don't have to be disagreeable.

It's about your attitude.

You can either see people as assets or enemies. If you view them with suspicion, they will sense that and not be drawn to you. If, however, you're one of those who believes that every stranger is simply a friend you haven't met yet, you will have no shortage of friends. Treat people as you wish to be treated (the Golden Rule). As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great."

Let's look at some good habits to develop if you want to be a people person.

• Smile.

This is so easy to do and makes such a big difference. Have you noticed that a smile is infectious? Try it on the next person you meet. Smile and greet them warmly. Most of the time it is reciprocated. When it's not, let it go.

•  Show genuine interest.

Don't pry - that can be creepy. But allow the other person to tell you something about yourself. Engage in the conversation. One thing I've learned is that everyone has a story, ervone has dreams, and everyone wants to be heard. The problem with many of us is that we're often too busy talking about ourselves to listen. Good listeners are never lonely.

• Remember names. 

This is something I have to work on. I remember when I first came to my current congregation. I met a man in the foyer before the service and we talked for a few minutes. As he left I said, "Goodbye Fred, it was nice meeting you." Now sixteen years later he has still not forgotten that I remembered his name. (I wish I could do that all the time). One method to try is to use the person's name three times in a conversation before you say goodbye. That helps to match the name with the face in your memory bank. There's no sweeter sound to people than their own name.

• Add value to people.

 What can you do to make a difference in the life of the people you meet? Can you connect them with someone? Can you share information with them? Can you buy them a coffee? This afternoon I was in the drive-thru at the coffee shop when I noticed a friend of mine was in the truck behind me. I decided to be nice and buy his coffee. When I pulled up to the window I was surprised to find that the vehicle in front of me had already purchased mine! None of us spent a lot of money, but the kindness brought a smile to all of our faces.

Let me conclude with some helpful quotes on the subject:

• "This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him." - William Lyon Phelps
• "To love a person means to see him as God intended him to be." - Fyodor Dostoyevski
• "The most useful person in the world today is the man or woman who knows how to get along with other people. Human relations is the most important science in living." - Stanley C. Allyn
• "You have two choices: You can act as though you tolerate people, or you can appreciate people. Those who appreciate people are going to make others more comfortable." - Roger Ailes
• "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

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