Get Over It

John Donne said that "no man is an island." We all live in community; our lives brush up against others on a daily basis. Even the most introverted among us impacts a group of people, however small. For that reason alone, maintaining healthy relationships is a life skill that none can do without. And perhaps the greatest enemy of relationship is a little thing called offense.

An offense is that thing, be it large or small, that somehow finds its way between people and, unless dealt with, severs whatever bond once existed. I've seen it happen so often that, at times, it becomes almost nauseating. I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, how can we avoid being a casualty to this thing called offense? 

Be Honest With Yourself 
One of the best ways to keep relationships intact is to give up on the illusion of your own perfection. You and I have made mistakes - plenty of them. That fact in itself should help us to extend a little more grace to others. There are days when I have not felt well and have said things I shouldn't have. Without the grace of others, I could have, and likely have, done damage to relationships. There are other times when I, in my stress or fatigue, have taken someone else's words or behavior and willfully took offense, when I knew that was not their intention. These actions are my responsibility; the fault lies with no-one else.

Remember That People Are Just People 
We tend to expect a lot more from others than we do from ourselves. We tend to judge others quickly for what they do or say yet we judge ourselves by our intentions. There is a lot of wisdom in Jesus' words when He said to "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Take a moment and think about what that person may have gone through already, what battle they may be facing. We are all human, subject to illness, fatigue, financial problems, work issues, family challenges, etc... You are not the only one with a sad story.

Practice Good Will
This is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. It has saved me a mountain of grief and kept me from walking away from people I love. Good will is very simply believing the best about a person until being proven otherwise. This works in marriage and family life, workplace relationships and friendships. It's a conscious choice. Here's how it works in real life. Let's say I'm speaking with someone and they say something that could very easily be taken the wrong way.

When I have good will, I assume that either I've heard them wrong or they've said something in a way they didn't intend. (And you know we've all done this). I then give them an opportunity to restate that thought. This usually results in a good result because they never intended to hurt me in the first place. If it's still offensive, I can tell them so and ask them what is going on that they would say that. I have found this almost always leads to an apology or a necessary conversation to resolve an issue.

On rare occasions, the person has real issues and is willfully causing damage. Notice what Paul wrote in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."The implication here is that sometimes it's just not possible. It's hard to hug a porcupine, you get hurt every time. Sometimes avoidance is necessary.


Admit When You Are Wrong
When we admit our mistakes it gives others permission and courage to admit theirs. I know people who make it a policy never to admit they are wrong. I don't know who they are trying to fool. They don't even look like Jesus! When we admit our mistakes we become more likeable and more approachable, especially as leaders. Far from being a sign of weakness, I believe it's a sign of strength. Shock your wife and children, apologize! It will do you all a world of good.



Submit Your Relationships To God
This may be a new idea to some of you but it sure has worked for me. Jesus spoke so much about relationships that we know that it matters to God. His desire is that we love each other, in fact, the New Testament is full of the "one anothers" - love one another, forgive one another, be kind to one another, encourage one another, etc... It also says to pray one for another. I have found that it is very difficult to stay angry with someone when I'm praying for them. As a Christian, if you can't pray for someone, you have major issues. Deal with them.

Build Bridges Instead of Walls
We are always responsible for our own behavior. We might be dealing with a difficult person, but that doesn't give us permission to act childishly in response. Another Biblical truth is this: "a soft answer turns away wrath." While, obviously proverbial, I have found this to be true in most cases. It takes two to fight, and if you don't take offense you may actually win a friend. Who has offended you? Extend a hand. Bake a pie. Buy a coffee or simply say "hello." One final piece of advice: when you're having relationship issues with someone, don't post it on Facebook!

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How to Choose to Not Be Offended




 

How to Choose to Not Be Offended

This is a guest post by Dr. Jeremy Statton.

Has anyone ever offended you?

Reasons to find offense surround us. Bosses. Employees. Presidential candidates. Religions. Kentucky Wildcat fans.

Offense seems to be an obligation. A natural response to someone else. When we see things that we do not like, we feel we have no choice but to become upset. And express it adamantly.

We view our reponse as outside of our hands. We are only reacting to others.

Like most thing, however, offense is really an issue of the self. It has nothing to do with the person who is offending you and everything to do with you.

Yes, some people say and do things that may seem ridiculous to you. But have you ever thought about how you say and do things that are ridiculous to others.

The issue of being offended has to do with how we choose to respond.

In the same way that we choose to be offended, we can also choose to not be offended, which has several advantages.

• We can listen to and understand others better.
• We increase our opportunities to learn.
• We can more easily resolve conflict.
• We grow our ability to influence the world around us.

Once you choose to respond in offense, your ability to make a difference will be negligible. But if you choose to not be offended, then you have taken the first step towards influence.

Making this choice, however, is difficult. Here are five ways to help you change how you respond.

1. Find value in every person. You have to believe that every person in the world has intrinsic value, and then look for it. Understand that their perspective is unique to them, and that is is beneficial. Seek what is helpful instead of being focused on what you find offensive.

Always be asking what they can teach you. Search for what you can learn. You will be amazed at what you find.

2. Learn to listen. Most of us don’t. We listen to people that we agree with because we already like what they are saying. but we rarely listen to anyone else. The only way to understand another person is to hear what they have to say. To listen with the goal of understanding, not arguing.

If someone is offending you, then it is a good time to stop talking and start listening. If nothing else, you are less likely to say something you would regret.

3. Try something new. Like strange food, the reason we don’t like something different is only because we haven’t tried it. Ignorance leads to fear. Fear leads to being offended. Start with something simple like food or a cultural experience. If you feel courageous enough, switch to CNN or Fox News, depending on your political persuasion.

Develop a spirit of courage and adventure. The only way to understand a different perspective is to try it.

4. Apologize. One of the main reasons we are so easily offended is pride. The most humbling thing you can do is apologize when you are wrong. We are all wrong at some point. When it is your turn, do something beneficial about it. Apologize. It will force you to humble yourself and will speak volumes to the other person.

Today, find someone you have offended and apologize to them.

5. Be a friend. Don’t feel that is it your obligation to change people. Being a friend is about loving them where they are. Friends encourage and help. They find what a person needs and then seek to help meet those needs. No strings attached.

The people who are in the best position to influence us, are these true friends.

Being offended is really a selfish way to treat people. It is a response focused not on the other person, but only on ourselves. It is about what we want them to be. It is about our desire to change them.

The only person in this world that you can change is you.

The only way to remove offense from your life is to choose to respond differently.

Are you easily offended? What have you found that helps you choose otherwise?

Help all of us choose better by sharing your ideas in the comments.

This post is written by Dr. Jeremy Statton. He is an orthopedic surgeon and a writer. His blog focuses on encouraging others to live a better story with their lives. You can connect with him on Twitter.

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I'm offended!

I'm not really offended, but a lot of people are. There are a lot of people carrying around a sack full of grudges slung around the chip on their shoulder. It really amazes me how easily we allow ourselves to be offended on the one hand, and how careless we are with our words on the other. I'm sure that each of us has been on both ends of this equation from time to time in our lives. I think it's worth addressing for that reason alone, but also because of the tremendous damage that is done to families, churches and communities over this thing called offense.

When we drill down into the root cause of much of the damage, we often find that it stems from a misunderstanding; and that usually springs from poor communication. So, what I'd like to do is talk a little bit about communication in this blog. For those of you who have sat through my pre-marital counselling, consider this a review.

Let's first state that this is a very serious problem, whether within Christian circles or otherwise. I'm going to come at this from a Christian perspective however. If we take the Bible seriously, we first have to admit that all of the dissension is, very simply, wrong. The Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." That's pretty clear, but if it's not strong enough, try Ephesians 4:3, "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

So it's important to get along, but how best can we do that? I've found that there are a few keys that have worked well for me that I've picked up over the years. The most important is something called "good will." Good will is really a frame of mind. It's the assumption that the person that we're dealing with means well and wants the best for us. It may be naive, but I find that it's a lot better than trying to pick a fight with everybody I talk to. When we have good will, we're giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

This attitude leads to a healthy internal dialogue. When someone says something that strikes us the wrong way, instead of assuming they're being a jerk and reacting accordingly, thus escalating the situation, we instead can look for a way to get to the root of the problem. I find this is particularly helpful in marriage situations. We often fall into bad habits of fighting to win an argument, rather than trying to communicate. Our spouse will say something that strikes us the wrong way, and we immediately jump to the defensive. They then get defensive and round, round we go. Try this instead. Ask yourself whether you heard them correctly. After all, haven't we all been misunderstood before? Wouldn't we have appreciated it if someone had given us the benefit of the doubt and dug a little deeper?

Communication is a complicated thing sometimes. An idea may be completely clear in my mind, but by the time it's filtered through my vocabulary, out my mouth, into your ears, filtered through your vocabulary and assigned a meaning by you, chances are it's not exactly what was intended. So, communication should really be defined as "a meeting of meanings." When what I intend to say is what you understand me saying we've communicated - maybe not agreed, but communicated.

So in order to be a better communicator, try to apply this time-honoured principle: "Seek first to understand then to be understood." For many people, what they're really looking for is simply to be heard. You never know, you might actually learn something. I've found that if you dig deeper when having a disagreement with someone, you may not be as far apart as you thought.

Another principle to remember at times is that on some points you may just have to agree to disagree. Some wise man said that "If you make everything a life or death issue, you're going to be dead a lot." Please admit that you're not always right. In fact, those of you who think you're always right are extremely offensive to those of us who actually are! It's alright to hold a position that is different from someone else. Just be sure that you're respectful of the other person's right to hold theirs.

Admit when you're wrong. I understand this is hard for some, but when everyone else knows you're wrong, you might as well admit it and apologize. People will not think less of you, quite the opposite actually. They will appreciate your honesty. A sincere apology can go a long way to repairing damaged relationships.

Jesus said, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." (Matt. 7:12) Each of us wants to be understood. We want for people to think well of us. We want people to try to get along with us, to be loved, to be valued. Do yourself a favour, reach up and take the chip off your shoulder and smile at the next person you meet, it's likely they're having a bad day. Help make it better.