Scott Jackson - My Battle With Depression

This Sunday I will be participating in the walk/run for defeating depression. With that in mind I have asked Scott Jackson to share his story of his battle with depression. I hope that this helps someone.

This is a guest post by Scott Jackson.

Scott Jackson

The question is - how does a Christian get depressed? You know you're going to heaven in the end. Jesus loves you. Your church loves you. Your family loves you. Your dog loves you. What's your problem?

Well, I've read a lot about it. Depression could be spiritual or physical. Mine was both. I believe Satan wants to take out ministry leaders so attacking me would be a certainty. But doctors told me that I have had 30 years of staying up late and pushing my body clock to the point where my brain doesn't know when to sleep. We all have an internal clock that says "it's time for bed" but I would ignore it and wait for my second wind and work into the night. Well, my body finally said "stop I've had enough" and I suffered my many emotional crashes, seemingly triggered for no reason. I didn't feel tired.

I'm no doctor but as I understand it, chemicals in your brain are released and they give you energy to work, think, focus and so on. For me, the chemicals were not releasing properly causing confusion and a lot of pouting.

Hmmm. You listen to the radio. You hear a smiley, happy DJ. But there are times when we don't really feel perky and we have to act. Off the air I would begin weeping and moaning, and then stop long enough to introduce a song and then return to the moment of despair.

One day, in one of those moments of moaning and wailing, everyone in the station could hear me through the walls. Steve Jones came in the studio and stood there for five minutes, probably deciding whether I was stable enough to do the show. I remember it well. I didn't look at him. I paced the room, cried and introduced the next song, with the listeners not knowing the situation. Steve left, seemingly satisfied that things were not beyond control. Until the next day.

In the middle of my show at 11am I crashed. I couldn't focus on the show. Concentration was lost. Hopelessness set in. I left.

Then came the wave of "I don't care".

I don't care.

About anything.

Depressed people care about nothing and have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. I'd tell my wife - "I don't care. There's nothing to get out of bed for. Nobody will miss me at work. Who cares". I spent time with a psychologist who was very helpful to get me past the situation - most of the time.

My family doctor had me experiment with three different anti-depressants until he found the right combination for me. Yes, I tried Prozac. It wasn't the best in my case. My wife was very patient through all of this. Two nights in a row, while I had insomnia from the anti-depressants , I took a mittful of sleeping pills.

On anti-depressants I counted 13 side-effects. Some visible, some not. Amnesia is the annoying one. Not remember what I told people and repeating myself.

There's lack of focus. That's the worst and being unable to compose a memo to my staff, or work on a detailed project. Couldn't do it.

Hair loss - which nobody wants, especially guys.

Nightmares. Really weird.

Another side effect was stage fright, which prevented me from going on the radio. I was just afraid that I couldn't speak coherently, so I stayed away. I stayed off the air for four months.

Anxiety and panic. Not looking forward to upcoming situations, both personal, family and work-related. I started saying to Janice "cancel that!". It was a canceling rampage of lunch dates and fun nights for weeks.

Thoughts of suicide. I thought the point of an anti-depressant was to avoid those thoughts, but sometimes you have them anyway.

One day, working at home on my laptop I went through an hour of sweat, in the middle of winter. I thought, "this is really weird. I'm not a sweaty person. One of the side effects.

Anhedonia - the inability to find any pleasure from daily life.

Akathisia - the inability to sit still. Legs jiggle endlessly.

Muscle twitches, which you can see through my shirt.

Even on anti-depressants I would have two crashes a week. Usually what triggers depression is when someone cancels my plans at the last minute.

So, not focusing, forgetting stuff and turning my disposition on a seconds notice makes for an unstable boy.

My Christian friends, and believe me I have very few true friends, say hurtful things like, "oh you need to read your Bible more". Can't. Can't focus. "You need to got to church more". Don't want to because everyone asks me "how are you doing" and I don't feel like telling anyone, so skipping church is the way out. Or they tell you, "you need to sing worship songs to God". Can't. Can't focus. Extreme ADD. Can't do it.

After promising to "be in my corner" during these months, my best friend deserted me in my greatest time of sorrow. Other friends were "unavailable" and screened my calls. Other friends who cared enough to listen actually tuned me out while still smiling and nodding. Nobody listened. Nobody really cares about other people. Everyone is too busy with their own busy lives.

I met with a psychiatrist for medical help, The Barrie Healing Rooms for spiritual help and a psychologist every two weeks, who was wonderful.

In March I announced to the LIFE staff what was going on. Obviously something was up - I was never at work more than an hour a day.

Generally, people fear what they don't know. There's the "C" word (cancer) we don't like to say. And there's the "depression" word that suggests someone is c-c-crazy.

I have decided to try "a day of rest" each week. It worked for Jesus so I thought I'd try it. I was inspired by the book "Velvet Elvis" in which Pastor Rob Bell turns off his cell phone, computer, texting, email - everything. No contact. No work on his day of rest. I like that.

And I have vowed to God, that when this is over, I will use it as my testimony to help anyone else who loves God, but won't get out of bed.

If you want to help a depressed person, help move them physically from the room they are in. Go outside, turn on the TV, talk about an upcoming event - anything to take their mind off the moment. If they tell you to buzz off, try again. Depressed people want to be pulled out of the moment but won't admit it. 

Scott Jackson is the president of Trust Communications and laid the groundwork for the launching of LIFE 100.3, which launched in 1999. He is also an author and produced More Radio magazine. 

Related Articles: 

Get Over It 

"Turn it Off" - The Principle of Restoration 

"Take Out The Trash" - The Principle of Transformation 

Developing Great Habits 

Life Lessons From A Fellow Traveler

 

Made For Relationship

Have you ever wanted to resign from the human race? Have you been disappointed, hurt, betrayed just one time too many and said to yourself, "Enough is enough!?" Join the crowd.

I think we've all been there from time to time in our lives because, the truth is, relationships are hard. They're also very much worth it. This is not just my opinion, (even though I'm sure that's good enough for you). The facts back me up on this.

I've been reading a great book by John Ortberg called The Me I Want To Be. In that book he quotes some interesting factoids. Social researcher Robert Putnam is quoted as saying that "The single most common finding from a half-century's research on life satisfaction, not only from the U.S. but around the world, is that happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of one's social connections."

This confirms something that I've learned from observation, people who have good, healthy relationships are generally happier and even physically healthier than their lonely counterparts. The reality is that we need each other.

We can define success in many different ways, but researchers at The Journal of Happiness Studies (I'm not making this up) have found that one factor consistently separates quite happy people from less happy people. It's not money, health, security, attractiveness, IQ, or career success. As Ortberg says, "What distinguishes consistently happier people  from less happy people is the presence of rich, deep, joy-producing, life-changing, meaningful relationships."

That being said, how are your relationships?

The sad truth is that most men will only have one or two close personal friends in their lifetime - if at all. Many men live their entire lives without having anyone with whom they can disclose their deepest hurts or greatest victories. Women, on the other hand, tend to be much more relational.

I think Henry David Thoreau had a most insightful moment when he said: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." The question is, does it have to be this way? I think not.

One of the growing observations in my ministry is this: God has called us to community. He came to redeem and to restore. Part of that restoration involves community. Jesus consistently called us to love one another, and to make loving relationships a priority in our lives. It begins with having a restored relationship with God, from whom we receive what we need to live in relationship. The New Testament is full of "one anothers." We're called to "bear one another's burdens," "forgive each other," "confess our faults one to another," and many more.

It is the moving from surface relationships to true connectedness that is the challenge. Ortberg is right when he says "Connectedness is not the same thing as knowing many people. People may have many contacts in many networks, but they may not have any friends."

There is a risk involved in this, of course. People are people, and they will let you down. But learning to forgive and try again is all a part of personal growth. The option is isolation - and that is not a good option.

There are some amazing facts out there in relation to the power of relationships. Ortberg states that "People who are socially disconnected are between two and five times more likely to die from any cause than those who have close ties to family, friends, and other relationships. People who have bad health habits like cigarette smoking, overeating, elevated blood pressure, and physical inactivity - but who still remain connected - live longer than people who have great health habits but are disconnected."

So how do we build those healthy relationships?

Look up. Start with God. All worthwhile change begins with God. If this relationship is broken, nothing else will work. When Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment in the Law He immediately replied: “'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

Look around. Find those "life-givers" who are around you. Who is it that encourages you? Who loves you and wants the best for you? Who is there for you even after you blow it? Strengthen these relationships.

Look within. Be honest with yourself. Many people have never been still long enough to look at their own lives, their dreams, their fears, their hurts, their passions. We are to deal with the baggage if we are to realize our potential. All of this is best done in community.

Look out. Once you have found what you need, look for someone else who is in need of community. There is no shortage of people who have been deprived of healthy meaningful relationships. You can be part of the solution - believe in somebody. As Emily Kimbrough said, "We all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."

Let me end with a quote from Proverbs 18:1 (The Message): "Loners who care only for themselves spit on the common good."

Related Articles:
The Power of Encouragement
Repacking the baggage of our lives
Are You a People Person?
What Love Language Do You Speak?
Iron Sharpens Iron

Are You a People Person?

Relationships are difficult.

This probably didn't need to be said, but I'll say it anyway. Each of us could, no doubt, share horror stories of relationships gone wrong. If we could somehow see the emotional scars of the people just in this room we would be shocked. I did a google search on the subject of “relationship horror stories” and found, believe it or not, 23,400,000 responses. Wow! That’s a big number. It’s no wonder that a lot of people have just sworn off relationships all together – but that’s not realistic either, is it?

We’re not meant to be alone. Whether it’s family or friends we need community to help us to reach our potential. So why are relationships so hard? Relationships are hard partly because we’re all people, and, as I've heard my mother-in-law say many times: "people are crazier than anybody."
 
Rick Warren came up with a list of different types of difficult people. See if you are related to any of these:

THE SHERMAN TANK - will run over you if you let him.

THE MEGAPHONE - will talk your ear off.

THE BUBBLE BUSTER - deflates everyone's enthusiasm.

THE VOLCANO - has a temper like Mt. St. Helens.

THE CRY BABY - is a chronic complainer.

THE NITPICKER - is the unpleasable perfectionist.

THE SPACE CADET - is on a completely different wavelength.

Each of us has our own story, and each of them is fascinating in their own right. The joys and sorrows, good
experiences and bad, disasters and highlights, lessons learned and mistakes repeated all go together to make
us what we are. Remember that each of us is deeply flawed, yet loved by God. So, we’re all in the same
boat. Everywhere we look there are imperfect people doing imperfect things –except us of course. What
does Jesus say “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up
the Law and the Prophets.” – Matthew 7:12

What does this look like? Let’s look at 5 ways that you want others to treat you.

• You want others to encourage you.

Everyone likes to be encouraged. Life can be difficult; it's a lot easier when you have someone in your corner. I haven't met anyone yet who doesn't want to be encouraged. Here are a few of the many "one anothers" of the New Testament. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

"See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called 'Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” – Hebrews 3:12-13


“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day
approaching.” – Hebrews 10:24-25

• You want others to appreciate you.

Over and over again in the New Testament were faced with the command to love one another. This goes along with appreciation. Each of us brings something to the table. We’re all different for a reason. I actually think that some people are different partly to help the rest of us mature. : )

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” – Romans 12:10

G.B. Stern said that “Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.” Who is there in your life that you appreciate who may not know it or who may need to hear it? There's no point in waiting until they die. They won't be able to hear what you have to say then, so say it now.

• You want others to forgive you.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32


There is a power that is released when we forgive. It is a power that enables us to grow, but also frees up the recipient to move on. Offenses chain us to an event that occurred at a specific place in time, but forgiveness enables us to move confidently into the future. In church, forgiveness is at the core of any progress we make, because we are a family of the forgiven – all of us sinners saved by grace. So Jesus taught us to pray “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Forgiveness opens the prison door and we are surprised to find that the prisoner we've freed is ourself.

• You want others to listen to you.

Everyone wants to be heard, because everyone has something to say. The Bible tells us clearly that each and every one of us is valuable. This is a part of loving each other – learning how to listen.

You can’t love deeply from a distance. It's important to have a circle of friends on whom we can depend. We need others in our lives who know and understand our story. We need people who we can turn to, and who we can help, when life gets difficult. This is part of the purpose of church. We can bear one another’s burdens. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” – Galatians 6:2

One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that everyone has a story, and if we listen, we can learn from it.

• You want others to understand you.

One of the keys of communication that is taught in pre-marriage counselling is to seek first to understand; then to be understood. You see, we tend so often to judge people by their behaviours but we judge ourselves by our intentions. Why do people do what they do? Why are people so insecure? What are the events in the past that have led them to this place in their lives?

When I can begin to understand those things I gain a perspective on people that helps me to be more compassionate and caring. It’s not that they are excuses, but rather they are reasons that help me to understand.

We’re talking about community here. We’re talking about building healthy relationships. Those don’t just happen. In fact, in today’s world I would say that they are exceedingly rare. We live in a world of dysfunction, the age of “I” and “me.” But here’s what I know about people:

Everybody wants to be somebody.
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.
Everybody needs somebody.
Everybody’s afraid of being hurt.
People aren’t the enemy.

The bottom line is that we need to take great care when we’re dealing with people – they’re complicated beings. Here are some deep thoughts to end on by C.S. Lewis' book The Weight of Glory:
"It is a serious thing, to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilisations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours..."

Go be nice to someone.

Related Articles:
"Take Out the Trash" - The Principle of Transformation
The Power of the Mind
Developing Great Habits
Life-changers
I'm offended!

Wanted: Best Friend

I got this from Michael Hyatt. I think it makes a good starting point. He used it in an article on how to become your spouse's best friend. What would you consider to be the qualities to look for in a real best friend? By the way, I'm glad to say that I have several people like this in my life. I hope you do as well. Feel free to share.

Wanted: Best Friend
Prospective candidates will:

•Make me feel good about being me.
•Affirm my best qualities (especially when I am feeling insecure)
•Call out the best in me, and hold me accountable to the best version of myself.
•Listen without judging or trying to fix me.
•Give me the benefit of the doubt.
•Extend grace to me when I am grumpy or having a bad day.
•Remember my birthday, favorite foods, music, and art.
•Know my story and love me regardless.
•Spend time with me, just because they enjoy my company.
•Speak well of me when I am not present.
•Serve me with a joyful spirit and without complaining.
•Speak the truth to me when no one else will.
•Never shame me, diminish me, or make me feel small.
•Become excited about what I am excited about.
•Celebrate my wins!

Related Articles
Why I Believe In Marriage
I'm offended!
I Love Me!

Iron Sharpens Iron

This week I've had a number of people express to me their need for a mentor and asking me how they go about finding one. Because I value the art of mentoring so highly, I wanted to talk a little bit about this. Generally, where a few are asking, many are feeling the need. Let me begin with some general principles that I've picked up over the years.

Everyone needs mentoring.
Asking for a mentor is not an admission of failure or weakness, it is an expression of a willingness to learn. Someone stated that "the self-taught man has a fool for a teacher." Each of us has room to grow and mature in various aspects of our lives. Mentors can be a great benefit to help us grow.

Mentors aren't perfect.
If you're looking for the complete package, the person who has the right answer to every question, you'll be looking for a long time. The reality is that each of us has strengths and weaknesses.

You may want more that one mentor.
Different people have different strengths. You may look to one individual to help you in a certain area of your life, say finances for example. You may choose another mentor for advice in helping you with your relationships. You also may actually outgrow a mentor. In that case, maintain the friendship but find someone else who can take you to the next level. A wise mentor will see this coming and perhaps even recommend someone else.

When you choose a mentor, reach up.
What I mean is this: the point of mentoring is to help you improve. Reach out of your circle. Aspire to a better place than you are today. Look for the best possible mentor and take a risk. Which leads to the next point.

Ask.
When I was making the transition from my previous church to Clearview Community, I had to attend some orientation meetings for my new denomination. The sessions were lead by the then District Superintendent, Bill Morrow. Bill and I had crossed paths a few times. He had a background in counselling and had been a successful pastor and leader for years. One of his sessions was on mentoring. At the end of the session he said that while he heard a lot of people talking about needing a mentor, he did not see a lot of people asking. So, I asked.

That was 14 years ago, and since that time Bill moved on to be the General Superintendent of the PAOC and is now the President of Masters College and Seminary. I have met with him over the years - usually when I've been in a crisis of decision or needing advice on how to face a ministry challenge. He has always been there when needed and has often referred me to someone who could help me in a specific way... But I had to ask.

How does one find a good mentor?
Firstly, if you're a Christian, pray that God would guide you to the right individual(s). Another key is to ask the right questions. What exactly is it that you're looking for help with? Identify that need. Is it with life in general? Is it with developing your spiritual life? Is it leadership? Is it in family life?

Once you've asked the right questions, look around you for someone you admire in that particular area. Make sure that they share the values you feel are important. Do you honestly feel that they have something they could teach you and are you willing to listen?

Buy them a coffee or a cup of tea and ask them. Talk about how you see this working and how often and ask them if they're interested. Don't set anything in stone until you've given enough time for both of you to determine that it's something you want to pursue. Think about what you bring to the table. Perhaps that means buying them lunch once a month or at least expressing your appreciation.

Finally, look around you for someone into whom you could pour yourself. We ought to be reaching up to those who can teach us, but also reaching down to those who are now where we were. I believe that this is true ministry. It is a picture of Biblical community that is uniquely powerful and attractive. We can teach people from a distance, but we impact them up close. I hope this has been of some benefit to someone. Talk to you soon.

A Season Of Silence

"To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace."
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

If you're a part of the Clearview Community Church family you will likely already have heard that I am having to take an extended break from preaching and singing. I have small callouses on my vocal chords which have limited my singing range for a while and are now affecting my speaking voice. So, the prescription is vocal rest and vocal therapy. So this is a time for me to stop talking!

I appreciate all of the wisecracks and the offers of duct tape, etc... I also appreciate all of the concern. However, I would like to say that it's not all that bad. I can talk, I'm just not supposed to. I have heard horror stories of pastors who have permanently and completely lost their voice. We're certainly not in that ballpark, thankfully.

The plan is for me to take a break from all of those tasks which would put a strain on my voice for the next few months. That includes singing, preaching and counseling. If results aren't seen by May, we'll take a look at laser surgery as a worst case scenario. I'm very thankful for a supportive board and capable staff who will allow the work of the church to carry on uninterrupted.

So, what will I be doing with myself?
The way I look at it, God is not surprised by this and, therefore, there's something I can do to be productive during this time. The reality is that this time gives me a great opportunity to focus on a lot of things which have been neglected for a while. We have been experiencing a wonderful time of growth here at the church and now I can look at what I can do to prepare us for even bigger things ahead. I'm planning on developing strategies to help to take us to the next level. I'll be able to take the time to participate in some helpful conferences. I'm working on a loooong "to do" list. I might actually get my desk cleaned. I'll do a lot more writing. : )

What I would ask you to do is this: look for ways to support the ongoing work of the church. Each of you is important to the success of this church and without you, we are all diminished. If you have suggestions for areas of improvement, outreach ideas or future sermon series, I'd love to hear from you. Perhaps you'd like me to deal with a specific issue in my blog. Let me know. You can e-mail me privately, or use this forum or Facebook me. I will do my best to be in touch at least once a week.

I love what I do and am looking forward to continuing as the pastor of CCC for as long as I'm useful. If I can help you in any way please let me know. Talk to you soon!