Milestones

There are markers in our lives that represent significant events or sometimes just the passage of time. There seem to be a lot of those for me, in particular, this year. My youngest son just turned 18 and graduated from High School. My middle son, this spring, became the first of my children to get married. This fall my wife and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage and 30 years in ministry. I will also turn 50 this year! It seems like a good time for reflection.

These years have been called middle-age by some, but not many of us live to be 100 so that's a little bit of a misnomer. My father passed away at 62, so who knows? Regardless, the time seems right to look back at what I might have done differently, so that some following behind might learn from my mistakes, which are many. What would I do differently if I had it to do over again?

I would have had pre-marital counseling. This would have saved my wife and I a tremendous amount of grief. It's amazing to me that the 19 year old version of myself thought that he knew so much, and how little he actually knew. I made a lot of mistakes as a young married man. Thankfully, I married an understanding woman who believed in me and in the institution of marriage, and stuck with me through those growing pains.

As someone who officiates at a lot of weddings, I have made it a policy not to perform a wedding without first providing premarital counseling. I make sure to cover the purpose of marriage, communication, finances, worldview and whatever other issues arise. It's a lot of work, but I feel a lot better about performing the ceremony.

I would have found a mentor (or mentors) as a young man. There were different people who spoke into my life at different times, but I would have been much more intentional had I known the difference it would make. I have learned through discussions that many men feel the same as I felt those many years ago - lost. They are thrust into a world of responsibility for which they are not prepared and forced to sink or swim. It's by the grace of God that most of the mistakes I made didn't have serious repercussions. Having a mature mentor for advice would have saved me a lot of problems.

I would have stayed out of debt. Financial problems are a major source of strife in marriage and life in general. Much of the problem is the easy availability of credit and a lack of understanding of the consequences of getting in over one's head. I readily admit that I had no idea what I was doing when we first got married. It takes only a short time to rack up debt and many years to climb out. I'm glad it wasn't worse, but we certainly could have done better. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University to everyone. If I had known the principles he shares in this course when I was younger, I would have been spared a world of grief.

I would have gone further in school. I have made a commitment to be a life-long learner. I read, attend conferences, take courses, etc..., but I regret not spending more time on a formal education. Although they say it's never too late to learn, the best time to do that is when you are young and your mind is a little more elastic. Investing in the right education will pay off down the road. I suggest starting with the liberal arts until you find your passion; then focus on it.

I would have asked more questions. When you don't know, assumptions are the enemy. It would have been great to have had Google way back when! My repair jobs would have been a lot more successful. Information is power and the best way to get information is to ask the right people the right questions.

I would have spent more time with my father. There are some opportunities that we can't get back. Don't miss out on the chance to spend time with people you love and tell them how you feel. The day will come when you won't be able to do that.

All in all, so far it's been a great ride. My biggest lessons learned are these: life can be hard, but God is faithful. The best decision I ever made, as a seventeen year-old kid, was to commit my life to follow Christ . I'm so very thankful that I did.

Related Articles:
Does Your Life Make Sense?
Life Lessons From A Fellow Traveler
More Life Lessons From A Fellow Traveler
"Do Your Own Dishes" - The Principle of Responsibility
Developing Great Habits

Iron Sharpens Iron

This week I've had a number of people express to me their need for a mentor and asking me how they go about finding one. Because I value the art of mentoring so highly, I wanted to talk a little bit about this. Generally, where a few are asking, many are feeling the need. Let me begin with some general principles that I've picked up over the years.

Everyone needs mentoring.
Asking for a mentor is not an admission of failure or weakness, it is an expression of a willingness to learn. Someone stated that "the self-taught man has a fool for a teacher." Each of us has room to grow and mature in various aspects of our lives. Mentors can be a great benefit to help us grow.

Mentors aren't perfect.
If you're looking for the complete package, the person who has the right answer to every question, you'll be looking for a long time. The reality is that each of us has strengths and weaknesses.

You may want more that one mentor.
Different people have different strengths. You may look to one individual to help you in a certain area of your life, say finances for example. You may choose another mentor for advice in helping you with your relationships. You also may actually outgrow a mentor. In that case, maintain the friendship but find someone else who can take you to the next level. A wise mentor will see this coming and perhaps even recommend someone else.

When you choose a mentor, reach up.
What I mean is this: the point of mentoring is to help you improve. Reach out of your circle. Aspire to a better place than you are today. Look for the best possible mentor and take a risk. Which leads to the next point.

Ask.
When I was making the transition from my previous church to Clearview Community, I had to attend some orientation meetings for my new denomination. The sessions were lead by the then District Superintendent, Bill Morrow. Bill and I had crossed paths a few times. He had a background in counselling and had been a successful pastor and leader for years. One of his sessions was on mentoring. At the end of the session he said that while he heard a lot of people talking about needing a mentor, he did not see a lot of people asking. So, I asked.

That was 14 years ago, and since that time Bill moved on to be the General Superintendent of the PAOC and is now the President of Masters College and Seminary. I have met with him over the years - usually when I've been in a crisis of decision or needing advice on how to face a ministry challenge. He has always been there when needed and has often referred me to someone who could help me in a specific way... But I had to ask.

How does one find a good mentor?
Firstly, if you're a Christian, pray that God would guide you to the right individual(s). Another key is to ask the right questions. What exactly is it that you're looking for help with? Identify that need. Is it with life in general? Is it with developing your spiritual life? Is it leadership? Is it in family life?

Once you've asked the right questions, look around you for someone you admire in that particular area. Make sure that they share the values you feel are important. Do you honestly feel that they have something they could teach you and are you willing to listen?

Buy them a coffee or a cup of tea and ask them. Talk about how you see this working and how often and ask them if they're interested. Don't set anything in stone until you've given enough time for both of you to determine that it's something you want to pursue. Think about what you bring to the table. Perhaps that means buying them lunch once a month or at least expressing your appreciation.

Finally, look around you for someone into whom you could pour yourself. We ought to be reaching up to those who can teach us, but also reaching down to those who are now where we were. I believe that this is true ministry. It is a picture of Biblical community that is uniquely powerful and attractive. We can teach people from a distance, but we impact them up close. I hope this has been of some benefit to someone. Talk to you soon.